David Jolly on Kill Tony

White people in Puerto Rico!

They doin' all kind of crackhead shit in the camera. I'm about to take this full-size Washington dryer

nine miles away on a 10-speed bicycle.

We're goddamn Americans. A man have a bad day at work, he come home, and he punch that bitch in the face.

This is my wife. What you mean I can't hit my wife?

That's crazy.

Hell, yeah, the good old days.

I'm glad we didn't have social media back in the good old days, 'cause we also didn't have this thing called child abuse. Can you imagine getting your ass whooped

on your Grandmama Facebook Live?

That bitch got them long-ass titties swinging in the camera.

Everybody in the comments is like, "Oh, take his jaws off.

But it's amazing how I go back to my car and I put on my homemade ice shirt.

Now everybody speak English.

I go back in there and settle that same lady. "Hey, you know where the deodorant at now?"

"Howdy, partner."

"You looking for an interpersonal deodorant?"

"That's J-22, buckaroo."

Them people lies be miserable as hell, you know what I mean?

"God damn, do it already, bitch.

"Everybody gonna miss your ass."

And I'm like, "Fuck, you can't keep me out of this AA meeting, man. I'm crying. This is a fucking cry for help right now, you know? You can't kick me out of this AA meeting.

This isn't a AA meeting, it's a PTA meeting.

Y'all down with the president? Trump the realest nigga to ever do it. On the last day of his presidency last time,

he freed Kodak Black and Lil Wayne.

Then he sent the ghouls into the Capitol building.

I kept on getting these letters in the mail for like free trips on Carnival Cruise Line, all you can eat chicken and shit.

I was like, you ain't gonna get me like that, Fortify.

I seen roots, this how we got over here the first time.

They keep on giving us these horrible ass movies, man. They bad, then they got the voiceover on them. Like French voiceovers, who watch French movies?

That's like watching gay porn,

I don't know about anyone who see that shit.

Yo, Ricky, dude, he has a gun, bro. Oh, shit, he shot Ricky, bro. Fuck.

Ricky was working on his credit, dude.

Ricky was a great guy, bro.

We ain't had the Internet growing up. You know who raised us? It was PBS.

And we ain't had no business watching that shit either.

Remember the Magic School Bus?

Everybody on that bitch was on acid.

That bitch meant Fristle wasn't nothing but a goddamn hippie, man.

I bet that bitch had a bush on that beaver.

Y'all heard the news that the aliens was real? It's fucking crazy. The real question is,

when we gonna be able to fuck these aliens?

I see, Avatar, I been waiting on this shit a long time.

I ain't never had no turquoise pussy before.

I'm gonna be the first nigga in a polyamorous relationship

with two Martian hoes.

I'm gonna be like, "Hey, ooh-gah, ooh-gah, ooh-gah, ooh-gah!"

You know, "Eh, eh, eh, y'all come down here and suck my dick!"