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A fun fact about me, I was adopted by a few white guys. Ever since I came to the United States at the age of 20. Most comedians call themselves comics.

Folks, a lot of people say, "My body, my choice,"

I need a paralegal,

The guy who shot the United Health Care CEO in New York City was caught today at a McDonald's in Pennsylvania. Apparently he was meeting with a hamburger-ler

Anyhow, I tried to get laid recently. I don't know if you guys ever do that, but I've been catching up on Heroes on Netflix. It was a good show. Anyhow, I met a Texas girl. "Yo girl, yo girl, you're missing out on a killer episode of Heroes." But if you don't notice, the O and the P on a keyboard on your phone is like right next to each other, and if you spell Heroes it's H-E-R-O-E-S, and if you spell Herpes it's H-E-R-P-E-S. What I actually text to this girl is, "Yo girl, you're missing out on a killer episode

match.com because I put my profession in there and aside from doing comedy guys I'm a professional auctioneer like I get a bit $100 bid now to now to now to we did it but I wrote it wrong in there and the A and the S key are dangerously close so apparently there's like about 800 people in the greater LA

You see, my mom fucked all of Metallica in the '80s.

So a couple years ago, I found myself going through a breakup, and I was at a Hanson concert of all places, I like to believe that the Van Hansen was one day tinkered with a beer brewing in the garage and they developed this recipe that was so perfect and they just had to slap the

My brother is half black, half Mexican. My mom married twice.

It's football season a lot of a A lot of TDs are being scored. I'm also scoring TDs in my own life.

I'm Edward Jones, the guy who's trying to be Jack of our

All right, so I'm sure that some of you know or have heard Richard Simmons. If you're as old as I am or older you remember back in the day on those VHS tapes they had the the sweating to the oldies. I thought it'd be kind of cool if they brought back Richard Simmons except for they could

I think suppository is the nicest possible word for what that actually is.

I've got a cat named my cat Deep Purple because every time he meows he goes,

My favorite sport is baseball. And I always wondered, how come they don't have baseball in the Middle East? You know, here in America, we got the sandlot.

So I'm hooking up with a girl from a depression support group, and she said she's crazy in the head, crazy in bed. She's lying.

I don't know if you can tell,

Learned what a stoner's favorite hairdo was.