KT #754 - BERT KREISCHER + RICK INGRAHAM

2026-02-03

Set 7 · Episode 754

Zach Townsend

Bucket Pull

Career avg·2.00 bits/set·4.00 beats/set·1.06 punch density·1.43 tag density·1 set

This set·2 bits·4 beats·1.06 punch density·1.43 tag density

Watch Zach Townsend’s set

Skips to 1:06:34 in the episode

[Bit 1]

How's it going? I'm 35 years old. I used to want kids real bad.

I used to want guns real bad, too. Now I don't know if I want either one, you know.

I kind of see them as the same thing, you know, they're both dangerous.

And whenever somebody has one, they're always like, "Do you want to hold it?"

You know, and I'm like, "No!

No, I know way too many people in jail

for touching those things.

You know what I mean?

No, yuck.

Get my fingerprints off it, yeah.

I feel like guns are a lot like kids too

'cause all the worst people I know hold their sideways.

You know, it's either like, give me your fucking money

or like baby hanging off the hip at Walmart, you know.

Some white woman in Cookie Monster pajama bottoms

even though the sun is still up.

Come on, you guys have been to Houston before.

You know what I'm talking about.

The baby's got the tears to come on this side.

I feel like guns are a lot like kids too,

'cause I never see one out on the street.

I'm like, shouldn't you be in school right now?

[Bit 2]

You know, and I, I don't know about you guys,

but whenever I, whenever I'm on Facebook,

I see a new article of like a female teacher

banging their younger male students.

We gotta pay these teachers more money, right?

So they, so they can afford to go on dates

with people their own age.

'Cause it's super easy to wine and dine a 15 year old.

You just fucking say six, seven

while you juggle their balls a little bit, you know?

Bit 1 · Beat 1

Beat Details

Beat Premise

“"Touching those things" can mean handling guns or molesting children.”

Joke Type

double-meaning

Lines

setupHow's it going? I'm 35 years old. I used to want kids real bad.

setupI used to want guns real bad, too. Now I don't know if I want either one, you know.

setupI kind of see them as the same thing, you know, they're both dangerous.

setupAnd whenever somebody has one, they're always like, "Do you want to hold it?"

setupYou know, and I'm like, "No!

setupNo, I know way too many people in jail

punchlinefor touching those things.

punchlineYou know what I mean?

tagNo, yuck.

tagGet my fingerprints off it, yeah.