- This is what happened when you bought things
[Bit 1]
Last week, I went to a black comedy club in Auckland.
All the sisters looked at me like,
Somebody forgot to pay the bills at the nail salon.
[Bit 2]
I went on a Rob Gickuda comedian.
She told me she has Asperger's syndrome.
Let me pull over and get your ass a bugger.
Nicole, you can do as long as you want.
[Bit 3]
- My mother hates Halloween.
She make her turn up the lights and hide under the bed.
It would be easier just to buy a bag of sneaker bars.
The first year we were here for trick or treat,
she gave it kids a spoonful of sticky rice.
I had to clean the window for a week.
[Bit 4]
I went to a pumpkin patch in Houston.
I saw a 2,000 pound pumpkin.
In Vietnam, we would car that pumpkin then move in.
It's the four checker lantern on the left.
[Bit 5]
I pay my mother to do my daily chores.
For $25, she does my laundry.
For $15, she cleans my room.
I pay her $10 an hour to shut the internet
for blue-eyed white guys.
My mother doesn't believe in psychic reading,
but she happy to tell me that I have no future.
[Bit 6]
If she hears me sings,
♪ Someday my brings will come ♪
♪ Sitting king I'm talking about brings ♪
♪ The ji wah wah who lives at the dry cleaners ♪
♪ My little sister in my bookkeeper ♪
♪ With all the money I make in stand up ♪
Two hour lunch, no problem, man.
She always carry a lot of cash with her in her purse.
Just in case the house burned down.
She still can't afford one karaoke night.
And some brisket, barbecue.
I wrote a joke for you guys.
- Nicole, what do you think?
You got more, you're at four and a half minutes right now.
- One more. - I think that's a record.
- I think you wanna hear one more from Nicole Tran, huh?
[Bit 7]
- Tony, recently I found out I'm allergic to alcohol.
I took one sip of tequila.
I sneeze for 10 minutes in Spanish.
