2025-09-09

Set 8 · Episode 734

Mushroom Matt

Bucket PullSmall Joke Book

Career avg·2.00 bits/set·3.00 beats/set·0.54 punch density·1.77 tag density·2 sets

This set·3 bits·3 beats·0.46 punch density·1.20 tag density

Watch Mushroom Matt’s set

Skips to 1:07:39 in the episode

[Bit 1]

Alrighty folks, so, uh, I'm a bartender, right?

I've been bartending for over a decade.

I've made thousands of drinks.

Um, people order some weird-ass shit,

and, like, I don't blink,

but one thing does throw me off, though.

And that's when people order their drinks virgin.

I don't get it. I've never fucked a drink

before serving it to a customer.

You know, I don't pop the cherry

before I garnish your Manhattan.

I love alcohol, but I'm not gonna stick my dick

in your whiskey tonic.

That's a health code violation.

[Bit 2]

So as a bartender, I've had a lot of different jobs,

like a lot, I've worked at over 40 different restaurants.

My friends say I'm a bar slut,

and you know, it's a good thing I can't,

you can't catch an STD from working

at a bunch of restaurants.

Actually, I take that back.

Don't sleep with the cocktail waitresses at PF Chang's

or Buffalo Wild Wings.

They look fun, but it's not worth it.

[Bit 3]

- It's kind of stupid, but they're gonna,

did you hear that they're gonna deport everybody

in Albuquerque and New Mexico?

-Yeah, that's right.

Trump says, "No more new Mexicans."

Bit 1 · Beat 1

Beat Details

Beat Premise

“"Virgin" can mean nonalcoholic drink or a drink the bartender hasn't fucked.”

Joke Type

double-meaning

Lines

setupAlrighty folks, so, uh, I'm a bartender, right?

setupI've been bartending for over a decade.

setupI've made thousands of drinks.

setupUm, people order some weird-ass shit,

setupand, like, I don't blink,

setupbut one thing does throw me off, though.

setupAnd that's when people order their drinks virgin.

punchlineI don't get it. I've never fucked a drink

punchlinebefore serving it to a customer.

tagYou know, I don't pop the cherry

tagbefore I garnish your Manhattan.

tagI love alcohol, but I'm not gonna stick my dick

tagin your whiskey tonic.

tagThat's a health code violation.