Set 4 · Episode 581
Ari Shafir
Bucket PullMan
Career avg·5.00 bits/set·6.25 beats/set·0.64 punch density·7.54 tag density·4 sets
This set·1 bit·1 beat·1.81 punch density·28.00 tag density
Watch Ari Shafir’s set
Skips to 37:05 in the episode
[Bit 1]
Hey, I don't know if you guys ever adopted a dog.
But, uh, I'll talk about you, Ian.
Uh...
They always show the back story of these dogs
you adopt from the shelters.
They always tell you about the fucking origin stories.
They're always like, you know, he was beaten every day.
Uh, he was left for dead on the side of the road,
and then somebody found him and kicked the shit out of him
every day for the last three years.
Please adopt sparks.
Here's my question.
How do they know that?
Who's dropping off the dog?
A girl like, "Hey, I just don't have time to beat the shit out of this dog anymore."
I did beat the shit out of him every single fucking day.
I mean, but my fists are so fucking bruised up from punching this dog in her fucking bitch face.
I just can't do it anymore.
So I'm hoping you guys find some other home for this dog to get the shit beat out of him.
And they're like, "We're gonna find it a good home."
I'm like, "Well, that's not what I wanted at all.
"You do whatever you want.
"His name is Sparks and he's a bad fucking dog."
It's never anything real.
It's never like, "Oh, we had a kid and he was allergic, so."
You know, take the dog.
They were praying under sympathy, you know?
They're always like,
We spit in his eye every fucking Thursday.
Someone held his eye open and it's fucking hot,
fucking one of those juicy fucking thick loogies
right into his fucking eye.
The dog would whimper and that just made him spit
even harder.
Please, would someone adopt Callie?
This is a wonderful dog, someone should adopt it.
You cannot have keys and children the same ruin
around this dog.
He will attack one of those two pigs.
But he does need a good home.
I just wonder, it's never like, "I don't know, we found him on the road, he's a cute
dog."
He knows how to sit already.
Bit 1 · Beat 1
Beat Details
Beat Premise
“Shelter dogs always having abuse backstories implies rescue, but reveals someone had to confess the abuse when surrendering the dog.”
Joke Type
misdirectLines
setupHey, I don't know if you guys ever adopted a dog.
setupThey always show the back story of these dogs
setupyou adopt from the shelters.
setupThey always tell you about the fucking origin stories.
setupThey're always like, you know, he was beaten every day.
setupUh, he was left for dead on the side of the road,
setupand then somebody found him and kicked the shit out of him
setupevery day for the last three years.
setupPlease adopt sparks.
setupHere's my question.
setupHow do they know that?
setupWho's dropping off the dog?
punchlineA girl like, "Hey, I just don't have time to beat the shit out of this dog anymore."
tagI did beat the shit out of him every single fucking day.
tagI mean, but my fists are so fucking bruised up from punching this dog in her fucking bitch face.
tagI just can't do it anymore.
tagSo I'm hoping you guys find some other home for this dog to get the shit beat out of him.
tagAnd they're like, "We're gonna find it a good home."
tagI'm like, "Well, that's not what I wanted at all.
tag"You do whatever you want.
tag"His name is Sparks and he's a bad fucking dog."
tagIt's never anything real.
tagIt's never like, "Oh, we had a kid and he was allergic, so."
tagYou know, take the dog.
tagThey were praying under sympathy, you know?
tagThey're always like,
tagWe spit in his eye every fucking Thursday.
tagSomeone held his eye open and it's fucking hot,
tagfucking one of those juicy fucking thick loogies
tagright into his fucking eye.
tagThe dog would whimper and that just made him spit
tageven harder.
tagPlease, would someone adopt Callie?
tagThis is a wonderful dog, someone should adopt it.
tagYou cannot have keys and children the same ruin
tagaround this dog.
tagHe will attack one of those two pigs.
tagBut he does need a good home.
tagI just wonder, it's never like, "I don't know, we found him on the road, he's a cute
tagdog."
tagHe knows how to sit already.