[Bit 1]
So I'm Lebanese American, the hairiest of the brown people.
[Bit 2]
Yeah, man, I know you're looking up here.
I've got a thick, full head of hair.
But if I'm being honest with you, the shit grows everywhere, man.
[Bit 3]
I remember in middle school once I shaved my legs.
He didn't like that very much.
I heard him whisper to my mom.
He was like, oh my God, first he shaves his legs.
Then he dance in the disco.
Then he take all the drugs.
[Bit 4]
What my dad didn't understand at the time was
middle school girls are mean to hormonal teenagers
What I didn't understand at the time was
that girls are secretly freaks.
They just gotta graduate college
for those daddy issues to kick in.
Your hair is-- you do a very, very fucking thick hair.
You are definitely a Lebanese guy.
He looks like Aladdin if he never became a king.
Does the flying carpet match the drapes?
Man, how do you keep that from getting into the back of your Uber?
What do you do for work, Lugman?
Am I saying that right, Lugman?
Yeah, I'm in digital advertising.
I have a Shopify store and some little stuff like that.
You go to nightclubs a lot, buy bottles with flashlights popping on and off
- One show like, "Hey, brr brr brr brr."
- Once upon a time, not anymore, man.
- 26, you're all grown up, you're past,
long past the age in which Lebanese men go to nightclubs.
Like, you have the same balance as fuckin' Arturo Latigo.
- Good-lookin' guy, I mean,
you probably never have to get a hookah.
Salugman, like what's your love life like?
You seem like the gigolo from "Duce Bigelow,"
male gigolo, the one that Deuce has to watch
his apartment while he's away.
The one with the big fish tank, you ever seen that movie?
You take care of things while I'm gone, Deuce.
- Whatever, I don't really remember it.
It's been 20 years since I saw that movie.
- Yeah, look at you, you've made out of olive oil, man.
- Look like a werewolf mid-transition.
So what's your love life like?
No, man, I don't get that much going on.
I got a girl, but yeah, nothing crazy.
You got a girl? What ethnicity is she?
Oh, white girl. Hell yeah.
He looks like his first words as a baby were "Buddy, buddy, buddy."
Yeah, I bet you got a decent dick, but I bet the hair grows all the way to the head.
It's a hairy shaft with the Lebanese.
- Are we close to right on this?
Is there little, you got little fucking Elvis sideburns
But it's big enough, it's all good.
Your girl ever, your girl ever play with your ass
Did she ever find your asshole at all?
- She's got a tough time finding it.
- I bet Nikki, I bet Nikki could find it in five seconds.
That fucking guy will get right in there
like a goddamn, like an algae eater.
- Yeah, you got fucking falafel dingleberries back there.
It's fucking real goddamn tahini salad down there.
- Salugman, what's your family like?
Your dad must be more Lebanese than even you are.
- Yeah, he's straight from the war.
Yeah, he came here when he was 18.
What does he tell you? What does he say to you when he sees you wear that shirt out?
Luke, man, you dress like fag again.
Wear plain black t-shirt with black pants.
My parents prefer baggy clothing, you know?
Yes, we love everything baggy. We like to go.
- So your dad probably wants you to get
in the family business, you know?
- That might be a New York thing, sorry.
- No, my dad's an engineer.
They're the other type of brown people.
- So, Lugman, is this your first time doing stand-up?
- Yeah, yeah, that's my first time on stage.
- Hell yeah, that's so cool.
I've got a hand for Lugman.
Does it feel comfortable for you?
- Yeah, it's more comfortable than I thought it would be
when I was sitting over there.
- You ever do anything else on a stage ever before?
- I sang in a talent show in college once or so.
- Really, what'd you sing?
- Yeah, I do, actually, I do wanna know.
- Yeah, I sang Some People Want It All,
or whatever, whatever that's called.
- Why don't you hit the big part of that song for us?
We all wanna hear it, come on.
