[Bit 1]
Hey Austin, I work in a massive warehouse and my job is as a problem solver and what
I basically do is I'm the high priest of the internet's most fucked up things.
Basically I come into work one day and I see this thing just staring at me through what
that I can only describe as an abyss of desire.
I pick this thing up to try to figure out
what the fuck it is, and I kid you not,
it's 65 pounds of just pure straight silicone sin.
- Hold on a second, Thomas.
Guys, I forgot to say this earlier,
save your booze until the end of the set.
It's also not Thomas. It's Jacob talk right into the talk right okay, okay, okay? You got his name, so
There's there's this giant. It was a very Thomas thing to do right there
Damn, okay, okay. Take myself a hole so the warehouse. I work out. There was this uh
I'll cancel it there, see if I can save myself in an interview.
Come on Thomas the Train, keep going, keep going.
- Yeah, we pulled two names.
- And I guess we sent you out in the wrong order.
- You look like you're freaking out.
- Just, yeah, a little bit.
- Have you ever done meth?
- Yeah, maybe after tonight.
Maybe after tonight I'll try it out.
I mean, it can only go-- - Try once.
- I don't think I can get worse than this.
- You need some confidence.
something to give you unreasonable confidence.
- I should have done a couple lines.
- So Jacob, let's talk about it.
How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?
- You can probably guess this is my first time.
- Okay, what did you try to talk about tonight?
- Right into the tip of the mic, or?
- Okay, so the goal was basically to talk about
this sex story that I saw at work
And it was basically 65 pounds of just...
- Just straight female bits, basically high thigh,
- Wait a minute, 65 pounds and it's not big?
What the fuck is it made out of?
- It's a straight silicone.
I don't know what they put in there to make it so heavy,
but it is just straight silicone.
I work at Amazon and I had to weigh that shit out.
>> Got to have to find a new job. >> It's 65 pounds? >> Yeah, or 65 pounds. I had to weigh it
out because like problem solver basically I just have to make sure if something is at the
wrong warehouse, send it to the right warehouse. >> You have to go to the correct rubber pussy
warehouse? >> Yeah, apparently we only carry flashlights about this big and we have to send
[Bit 2]
it to the one next door that carries flashlights this big. So, you know, by the joke that I was
getting out was basically you try to take that through TSA they'll stop you
for having way too much liquid then you'll be sitting in the security line
trying to scrape out the essence yeah what the fuck not it
