Los Angeles, make some motherfucking noise if you're excited to be alive tonight.
I can't hear you motherfuckers!
Holy shit, what a night, huh?
Look at these titties coming down the second row.
A little winded, I'm just here to take a shit and then I'll get out of here.
One more time for Aaron Bile.
If you guys mind if I do a quick set real quick just to kind of fire up the room.
Prepared a couple statements.
[Bit 1]
Casey Rocket looks like he blows his nose with his hands.
Pretty funny because it's true.
Casey Rocket looks like if a mothball came to life.
Casey looks like his whole set.
He's trying to escape a crocodile for some fucking reason.
Always want to know what a clown looked like under the face paint.
Casey looks like a "Where are they now?" of Nickelodeon molestations.
That's one you can laugh at at dinner and at breakfast.
That's what we call a twofer.
[Bit 2]
Cam Patterson has the posture of a stepdad, the belly in the shoulders, the shoulders
All right, thought that was funny in my head, so I said it.
Cam looks like Petey Diddy's pool boy.
Give it up for Diddy, he's somewhere.
Cam's a great storyteller.
There was a court called, he said, "Perjury."
Cam's the one maxing that got pregnant during the movie Friday after next.
That's why she calls him Mike Oops.
The actor Mike Epps, shout out.
William Montgomery's here.
Give it up for William Montgomery, huh?
What a fucking legend and a gangster.
[Bit 3]
You know, William looks like he puts peanut butter on the dog's dick and then looks it
Hey, it's Tuesday somewhere, right?
William looks like he should be on a Confederate coin.
You know, William looks like he sits down to pee but stands up to poop, but I've done
Hey, no judgment, player.
Just recognizing the game.
Oh, we don't know if he's here.
[Bit 4]
All right, well, I saw a food truck out front, so I assumed...
You know, David looks like he should be Ozen picking cotton, but I wrote that.
I'll just wait for the laughter.
David has 100% chance of dying on Rocky Road.
the ice cream or police brutality.
Either way, it's gonna be kind of one of those roll the dice.
That's an impression of David's, Dale, come on.
We'll be right back is one of my favorite phrases.
It's also an impression of David's feet before diabetes takes him.
We'll keep her right here.
That's one of my other favorite phrases.
You probably heard me say, we'll keep her right here.
We'll keep her right here.
That's also my impression of David when a waiter tries to take away his dessert, you
know, he just wants to leave it where it is, player.
David's got a forehead like Roger from American Dad.
I'm sorry, that's probably triggering since you never saw yours.
Give it up for Hans Kim, the great Hans Kim.
You can do better than that.
[Bit 5]
You know, Hans looks like the second coolest kid on the math team.
He -- Why does Hans look like he bows after he comes?
Yeah, Hans is so retarded, he'd have to compete in the special squid games.
That was funny in my head.
You can use that at a party in front of your family.
[Bit 6]
You know, this battle between Hans and Rick, it's gotten so vicious.
I haven't seen this much bad blood in the forum since Magic Johnson's last game, but
Yeah, we're doing okay so far.
Keep it going for Rick Diaz, huh?
Rick, are you guys booing for Netflix or Rick?
You know, Rick is, you know, Rick versus Hans.
This looks like a fight in a cancer ward.
It's incel versus cancel.
Rick, Rick, you look like the star of a cartoon
Rick is from Spain, so can you Spain to me
where the fuck your chin went?
We got Red Band, keep it going for Brian Red Band over here.
It's a fucking living legend.
Brian Red Band in the house, newly engaged,
[Bit 7]
Red Band is, you know, Red Band is,
Red Band, you sound like the voice behind the camera
on every casting couch born.
Red band is so creepy he's not even allowed within 50 yards of his inner child.
Let's go kill Tony's own Tony Hinchcliffe is here.
The man of the hour baby.
The man who put us all motherfucking show together.
Tony motherfucking Hinchcliffe.
[Bit 8]
I've been watching you from afar even though you're dressed like an agent for e-gamers.
You know Tony killed on the Tom Brady roast.
Did you see Tony on the Tom Brady roast?
He came out gums-a-blazing and he just destroyed.
No Tony is maybe one of the quickest minds I've ever seen.
One more time for Tony Hinchcliffe.
This guy, I met him 25 years ago and he hasn't stopped bringing it.
He does look like he runs an ice cream parlor on Epstein Island but he's one of the funniest
guys that I've ever met. I think that's it. All right, that's it out of me. That's all
my time. That's all I got for you.
