All right, let me spin around this, there we go.
Well, thank you very much.
[Bit 1]
It's great to be here in all the best parts of entertainment.
We've got most of a band.
We've got morning radio sound effects.
Sometimes a full band, when a toy kazoo comes from the ground,
raises from the grave, takes over Tony and starts singing.
[Bit 2]
So, back to popularity.
So over the summer, Trump yanked all the troops
out of Syria, right, and then ISIS got loose.
They're knocking on doors, running away or something like that.
I don't know really how it works.
And I thought he should have asked Tony that it was a bad
idea 'cause he has broke the bank relying on the pull-out
method, quickest coming comedian in comedy.
[Bit 3]
Anyway, so I have bad news for the entertainers over there.
I have bad news for the entertainers over there.
The best day of your career is going to be
when paintings skyrocket in price.
Painting skyrocket in price.
Red Box starts holding some movie from 1962.
But what about the porn talent?
just Red Band at home singing, "She was so underappreciated in her time!"
All right, all right. There you go, Gareth. You did it.
Doing the age-old broken method of trying to roast the people that the audience is here to see.
[Bit 4]
That's good. How do you feel, Gareth? Shaky. Shaky? Is this your first time on a stage?
On a real stage, yeah. Yeah. What other kind of stage have you been on?
- I feel like when there's like five comedians--
- I wish it was stage four.
- Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth.
So you tried to do jokes about us
and that never really worked.
- It wasn't my original plan.
I was just writing normal jokes
and then I kept twisting easily into just stupid roasts
and I figured you guys are roast people
so I thought I'd try it out.
- No, no it doesn't, Gareth.
So you just started standup comedy?
- I've been writing a lot for about two or three years,
but I've barely ever tried to get on actual stage.
- When you say barely ever, what do you mean?
You've done a couple open mics, or this is your first?
- Or it's like a couple comedians that try themselves
like a year ago, but other than that, nothing.
'Cause it went like that? - Busy, yeah.
I'd say a mix of good and bad on the other ones, but--
- Right, what do you do for work?
- Uh-huh, and how old are you?
What are things about you in your real life?
Like I'm a work in my hands kind of guy.
Your projects, always trying to think of like a cool
invention, that kind of thing, or traveling.
What have you come up with?
What are some of your inventions?
[Bit 5]
Right now I'm trying to figure out--
- How to have the worst Kill Tony set ever.
The horse of truth has arrived.
- Like right now I'm trying to figure out
water conservation project. Let me tell you something there's no way you're
gonna be that guy. No? You're not gonna know. Just give up on that. Yeah. You're
right. Get a filter for your washer or you know your shower head so you don't
use as much water that's about it. There you go. Red band just solved it everybody. Use less water.
Why did you why are you a one-name comedian? Oh my last name's Long so I
[Bit 6]
- My last name's Purse House.
- Wow, too long to write, huh?
- It's two words we all know.
- It sounds like a drag club.
[Bit 7]
You have a girlfriend?
- I know, but I'm here with a way too hot date.
She's fucking, Muhammad is in back of the room right now.
- She's fucking Indian Brad Pitt.
All she heard was Brad Pitt.
Gareth, so how do you get a chick
that's way too hot for you?
[Bit 8]
- Do you just have, you only have your height
- Everything else, it starts to drop off fast.
- I mean, you're handsome.
- Yeah, in a retarded team leader at Target kind of way.
[Bit 9]
- It looks like if Clark can't win to a phone booth
just to call his grandmother.
I have Superman for Halloween a couple of times.
And that's exactly what I get every time.
Send me drinks, everybody.
The whole unit gets defensive when people take
shots with their 60 seconds.
I just thought it'd be fun.
You're a fan of the show.
You ever watch it or listen to it?
Yeah, I've come here a couple of times.
But of course, I come here the date I have.
Like, give us an example of a joke
you were gonna say before we all lost respect for you.
- I'd have to-- - Just do one normal joke.
- My best, yeah, I don't have a set memory.
- Come on, come on, you have one fuckin' joke
that doesn't have to do with me or Redban or whatever.
[Bit 10]
- I had one today where I've been told by,
I was talking to an ex from a long time ago
and she told me that before--
- I was talking to an ex.
And she told me that when we first met,
she thought I had, she thought my personality
meant I had a small dick.
And then I talked to another accent,
she told me the same exact thing.
And I just wanna make it perfectly clear right now
that my dick size is private.
- What a wild swing you took on, don't boo him.
- I don't have any memory yet.
- What a wild swing you took bringing up Hot Date
for the first time to this.
Just like I hope I'm any good at stand up comedy.
[Bit 11]
- She's a real Hot Date now
'cause she just lit herself on fire
in the corner there, I can see it.
It's the hottest date, dude.
[Bit 12]
- Well, I'm really glad you came up here
'cause I didn't think it was possible for me
to hate a man as much as I hate my husband.
- Well, Gareth, you know, you gave it a shot.
I would love to see you come back sometime
if this is something that you actually think
that you might enjoy doing when it goes well.
- I write literally constantly, I just don't memorize it.
I'm pretty sure the first kid to use the phrase
I'm way to go Einstein was a bully on the playground way to go Einstein. Yeah, it's a bully on the playground
But why but why why would that why would oh why would that oh, yeah a bully on a clear on in 1880
So okay, that makes that's so important to this
I mean, I don't think it would have made it work, but it would have made it make sense
Yeah, I wish I would say that joke is 2% there
