-Oh! Austin, fucking great to be here.
[Bit 1]
I love that nobody's wearing a mask.
You know, people are like fucking --
Other people don't want to wear a mask.
I like the people that walk around with the nose
hanging over the top of the mask.
It's like, "What the fuck are you even doing?"
That's like putting a condom over your balls.
That doesn't make any fucking sense.
You gotta wear the fucking mask.
[Bit 2]
You ever drink coffee all day and sneeze into the mask?
That's the new shit in your pants.
It's like, fuck, I can't wear this fucking thing.
I've had it up to here with this shit.
[Bit 3]
I'm ready for a Chinese hooker from Wuhan Province
with a nitty-crotch and a runny nose
to sneeze right in my fucking face.
I can't fucking live like this shit.
[Bit 4]
What the fuck happened to us?
I mean, what happened to us?
I just wanted a cup of coffee this morning at the Starbucks.
I drink coffee because I'm American.
I don't have three hours in the middle of the afternoon
to dick off and sit around and sip espresso.
Bonjour, como te livo, get the fuck out of my way.
And this guy's standing in front of us.
I have a triple passion fruit, tea latte with soy milk,
No sugar added, some sugar free vanilla
with a pom of almond syrup, two pumps raspberry,
a little foam, a little bit of vente.
It's like, why don't you just order a cup of sperm,
- Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
You didn't do my favorite joke of all time.
- Favorite joke, so this morning,
[Bit 5]
I go to get breakfast here in Austin.
I go to this fucking diner.
You don't gotta fucking twist my arm, Tony.
All right, I open the refrigerator,
the light comes on, I do 15 minutes.
That's the kind of entertainer I am.
[Bit 6]
I'm at the breakfast place.
They had a thing on the menu called a protein scramble.
I'm going, "That sounds healthy."
Then they read the ingredients.
Basically, it's an egg omelet with chunks
It's a chicken omelet, which is fucking raw.
You don't take the eggs out of the chicken and then cook the chicken and put it in the eggs
That's that's too much chicken. Who who the fucks who the fucks back there cooking some kind of chicken cereal killer
People that's an omelet that spans two generations of chicken. That's that's not breakfast
That's a vendetta who the fucks order of breakfast Tony Soprano. I want the chicken dead
I want his family dead. I want his unborn babies dead. I want his fucking chicken coop burned to the ground
That's not right. That's like taking your hamburger and dipping it into your milk
It's not right I like chicken I just don't like it in eggs that's the creepy part
[Bit 7]
I'm a meat eater, you know God made animals long for the catchy obviously intended for us to eat them
Besides that what's the fun in hunting a vegetable?
Anybody can sneak up on a carrot.
[Bit 8]
I don't even trust vegetables
'cause they get the nutrients from the dirt.
I'm going, "Yeah, would you eat dirt?"
Then why eat the fucking middleman?
[Bit 9]
Some of that shit's not even food.
That's dental floss trapped inside a carbohydrate.
[Bit 10]
And I was reading about celery.
Celery's actually fucking dangerous.
It's classified as a negative calorie food.
There's two calories in one stick of celery.
But if you eat it, it takes your body 10 calories
You could kill yourself eating celery.
I mean, if that's all you ate, sir, I'm fucking joking.
This guy's staring at me looking for the National Celery
[Bit 11]
I didn't come to Austin to bad mouth celery.
To tell you the truth, now that you bring it up,
celery does have one good use, according to Peter North.
Ah, a couple people work at a very healthy online porn addiction.
For the rest of you Christians, Peter North happens to be a very famous male porno star.
He's known for the amount of fluid that comes out during climax.
It's quite substantial and pretty impressive, and he does it on a consistent basis.
A couple years ago, he said, "Vegas, if you don't video awards," and they asked him,
they said, "Peter, what's your secret?"
He said, "I eat lots and lots and lots of celery.
It's a water-based vegetable.
It acts as a natural Viagra.
I don't even have a joke for that.
I'm just passing along the information.
Put that on the shopper list for the special occasion.
