[Bit 1]
Thank you, Tony, for having me back.
It's been my dream to work Madison Square Garden for free.
[Bit 2]
I was reading something that really, really annoyed me today,
so I'm gonna start with it.
Nirvana has an album called Nevermind.
I think it's their second record.
On the cover of that record is a nude infant
floating in a swimming pool reaching for a dollar.
That baby is now an adult and he sued Nirvana
because he said being on that record cover ruined his life.
And I'm obsessed with asking him, who recognizes you?
How humiliating for an adult male to step out of the shower
and have a woman go, oh my God.
[Bit 3]
And according to his lawsuit, he sued like for emotional distress.
He said Nirvana promised that when the record came out, they would put a black sticker across the penis to conceal it and then neglect it to do that.
So I was talking to somebody and I said, I'm glad Nirvana didn't put a black sticker across the penis.
And the guy I was talking to said, "Why?"
You ever take a stand for no reason whatsoever?
I just like arguing, now I'm dug into this position.
I'm trying to have a fun back and forth,
now I'm aggressively advocating
for more visible baby dicks.
[Bit 4]
And I don't have children, I'm married,
I only got married because my wife tricked me
and she told me she was pregnant.
Obviously I offered to treat her to a procedure.
I'm like, "Come on, we'll get there early.
"We'll get ice cream, it'll be great."
[Bit 5]
But she got very angry for me suggesting an abortion.
She told me I had an abortion in college,
Truly, I thought she dropped out of high school.
[Bit 6]
So we get married, three days after the ceremony,
she goes, "Hey, great news.
"I found out I'm not pregnant."
Which was fucking infuriating.
I was more mad at myself for being so stupid.
Like I don't know how I fell for it.
Like I know she can't get pregnant, she's transgender.
I don't know how I fell for that.
How did I forget she has a dick?
That's what I loved about her to begin with.
[Bit 7]
Now, my wife's penis,
which I realize sounds like the title
of a progressive children's book.
On the cover there's a married couple, the woman has a little tent in her dress and
They're surrounded by a diverse group of accepting friends
[Bit 8]
But look that's what life is right life is random
You don't plan who you're gonna marry the first you don't see somebody and realize that's the person I'm gonna fall in love with
That's the person I'm gonna live my life with I didn't plan on marrying my wife
Honestly, the first time I saw her, she was just effortlessly winning a swimming competition.
And I realized how turned off I was by all those second and third place losers.
All these women, "Oh, glug glug glug glug, water filling up their vaginas, slowing them down."
And there she is, like a speedboat, with an uncircumcised runner just cutting down the left lane.
And I'm like, "Who is that gal in first place by 18 laps? Who is that?
Why is JK Rowling calling her a cunt?"
Thank you guys very much, Tony. Thank you for having me back.
