Martin Phillips on Kill Tony

I would never do human trafficking

because I hate regular traffic, you know?

Like, who's doing this, right?

Sometimes I like to wear women's clothes, you know? It's really tight. It makes me feel buff, you know? And people are like, "That, Marty, is that a swole?"

Well, like, "Nah, this is my sister's dress," you know?

I'm gonna get a new dog, I'm gonna get a drug dog and use it for good, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, Sparky, let's find out where the party's at.

and then at some commercials it's, oh he's the guy working on his farm or fixing his truck, it's like yeah,

that's what I need a motor when I had shit to do,

you know, when I'm around livestock.

What's up? Hey, the medication I take is called oral backlifen.

I take oral backlifen because I don't want to take anal backlifen, you know?

It could fall out, you know?

Uh, scientists say, scientifically speaking, you can sleep with your second cousin. And I don't know, it sounds like that scientist

just had a really hot cousin, you know?

Like, "I did the research. It's cool."

I started to do this new thing on Baby Nabs. I use my baby pictures.

And then I say, "Swipe right if you want to see how it turned out."

And, you know, better -- better -- better -- better --

Oh, my God! Oh, it happened!

I was like, "This hurts." Like, "How?" And I -- I -- I don't know if I'm gonna come,

but if I bleed, you know?

I was in Vegas when people play poker. Everyone has their tell. My tell is when I accidentally drop on my car

and go, "Don't look, nobody look, time out, okay, come on, get me."

Okay, I, uh, I, uh, when I used to work in middle school, I would get a lot of advice from their little school girls and one of them told me she said "If you like someone, you should find out where they live and let them know"

And I said "Martha, I'm not doing that again, I can't go back"

Anyway, speaking of removing a rib, we all know, exactly, we all know that I take out a rib,

I can suck my own dick, but what I do, I take out another rib so I can eat my own ass.

You know, like why stop at the dick? Keep going.

Keep going.

And people get frustrated with me. Like, is your head up your ass?

And I'm like, I'm trying.

I am giving time.

I stay at hotels, nice hotels can be expensive.

It's like dang, $400, the prostitute was $800,

and I'm losing money.

I, I, I soda, my favorite soda is Sprite with concerto. It's an acquired taste.

It's like sure I'm fucked up, but I don't have a cold.

Growing up, I didn't have any Jewish friends.

Not on purpose, but uh, I was never a dinosaur apart from it.

But I think it's too late, you know, I think people would take notice that I Pacificly hung out with 13 year old Jewish boys.

I'd say no, I just want to party with them.

I mean, I don't know, I just...

You can't be strolling a banger.

A lot of people say a guitar is a sexy instrument, but you know what? That underrated sexy instrument, the French horn,

'cause you gotta stick your fist in it, you know?

the serial killer Ted Bundy volunteered at the suicide hotline.

So nobody talks about the lives he saved,

or he saved.

I get--I get really emotionally attached after sex,

so sex workers hate me, you know?

Like, "Quit calling."

I'm like, "I just want to talk."

And it's not for the deer. They can't hide that. It's obvious that everyone,

There are a pussy ass bitch.