2020-10-20
Set 7 · Episode 477
Michael Lehrer
RegularDisabledMan
Career avg·9.57 bits/set·10.29 beats/set·0.66 punch density·0.46 tag density·14 sets
This set·57 bits·57 beats·0.29 punch density·0.34 tag density
Watch Michael Lehrer’s set
Skips to 1:46:57 in the episode
[Bit 1]
Tony, I like to start with an argument.
Okay.
What you said in my "sending an ally" is bullshit and a cliche,
With people like Aidy Bryan,
and Seth and things strong,
and Vanessa Bair,
and Chris Redd,
and Grey P1,
and I rock on them,
and they're great comics.
Like Michael Bryan,
and they make good skits,
and fuck you in your 20 year generalization.
- Yeah, no, you're absolutely right.
I know how talented all those people are,
'cause I saw them at Open Mike,
six years ago when they started.
So that's great, you're right.
They're super talented.
They really just got fast-tracked
'cause they're so brilliant.
[Bit 2]
- Ouch, they're too--
- I always believe a man that hits himself
in the face with a microphone.
No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
[Bit 3]
Okay, also I have a new bet. Michael versus ALS. Who wins that, Tony?
Well, I think...
ALS is gonna be breakdancing after this one.
Hey! We never met!
[Bit 4]
I have a picture from my first appearance on this show.
- Okay.
- He's got a picture.
- Picture from his first appearance on the show.
He's pulling it out.
- That was in his butt.
- There's the picture, let's see it.
Here it comes.
Whoa, there he is.
That's what he looked like just 50 short weeks ago.
[Bit 5]
- Yeah, what is that from?
How is that why do you have Robert the Builder's beard on top of your head in that picture?
[Bit 6]
-Wait, what? You're going to stand up?
-No, stand up.
-Okay.
-For my--
For my--
-I thought you said, "Let me stand up real quick."
Am I the only one that heard that?
-That'd be fun if he surprised you.
-No, you don't-- -He was fine this whole time.
-No, I'm kidding, Michael.
[Bit 7]
And for my 50th Japan, it was what I did for all the fans and all these wonderful people
In all these great times I wrote 50 facts about
Keltoni and we're gonna count 50 fucking facts. Yeah
One are you guys with me?
- You're gonna win me.
Yeah, all right, here we go.
- All right.
Indeed, I have been sent a document
that I have not looked at beforehand,
and it says, "Michael Lare, 50th appearance,
presents 50 Kill Tony facts."
- I have a feeling it's gonna feel like 100 facts.
[Bit 8]
Kill Tony fact number one.
The original name of the Kill Tony podcast
was Manic Mondays with Mr. Moody.
[Bit 9]
Scholberg was born white but turned Mexican
after overexposure to Frogtown.
[Bit 10]
Chetzky has had six neck surgeries
because her glasses are so big and heavy.
[Bit 11]
Jeremiah Watkins real name is Jerry Jewface.
- Why?
[Bit 12]
- William Montgomery hoards leftover pizza crust
from Vito's Pizza.
[Bit 13]
- The Iron Patriot raped Michael Lare.
[Bit 14]
- David Lucas won't take photos with fans,
but will steal their sneakers.
[Bit 15]
- Ally Mokovsky doesn't have eyebrows,
those are caterpillars.
[Bit 16]
- Cro McCris fucked his way through all four branches
of the Arp forces.
[Bit 17]
Jeremiah Watkins' marriage is on the brink
because of his hoarding of wigs and other women's apparel.
[Bit 18]
- 35% of comics pulled from the bucket of destiny
are also sex workers.
[Bit 19]
Ryan J. E. Belt is the Zodiac Killer.
[Bit 20]
- Both Tony and Brian are married to Westworld Robots.
[Bit 21]
- Due to an overactive gland, by 2025,
Jeremiah Watkins will be eight feet tall.
[Bit 22]
Virtual red band sucked Max Headroom's dick.
[Bit 23]
- William Montgomery's belly is distended
because it's stuffed with cocaine filled condoms.
[Bit 24]
- Most of Tony and Brian's fights
are over who gets Michael Lare's load.
[Bit 25]
In a partnership with the NAACP,
Tony is pledged to change the name of roasting to broasting.
- Nineteen. - What?
[Bit 26]
- Jet Ski's trumpet is a civil war relic
of the Confederacy and a nonverbal not white supremacy.
[Bit 27]
Kill Tony is considering changing its name to, fuck it,
three silent hours of Tony golfing.
[Bit 28]
During Corona, Tony's been performing private concerts
for friends and family of O.J. Simpson.
[Bit 29]
- Jeremiah Watkins' marriage is on the brink
due to his obsession with having a saxophone at every side.
[Bit 30]
The comedy store keeps having to buy bigger chairs because of the alarming growth of West
Hollywood butts.
[Bit 31]
Red Band is known as the Podfather, but he's also fathered enough Asian babies to form
an Olympic ping-pong team.
[Bit 32]
Joel Berg lost his hair because of former Kill Tony sponsor Monster Energy Shampoo.
[Bit 33]
26, the bucket of destiny was both stolen from
and made by a child.
[Bit 34]
- There's only one rule at the comedy store,
don't talk shit about Robo-comedy.
He lives above the place.
[Bit 35]
William Montgomery has a six foot tall Jenga game
made out of leftover Vito's pizza crust.
[Bit 36]
29 the kiltoni katana sword was stolen from the grave of a world war two pow
[Bit 37]
30 30 comes after 29
[Bit 38]
Thanks to kiltoni legend manolo kiltoni is the number one podcast among mexican narcos
[Bit 39]
Many bucket comics live in their cars several live in afro dities afro
[Bit 40]
Jeremiah walk-ins marriage is on the brink because his wife just wants to get crunked and kiss the sky mother
- Fuck her.
[Bit 41]
- Virtual Red Man has warrants out
for its arrest in four states.
Okay.
[Bit 42]
- All right, as irony would have it,
the cure for ALS was also in the bucket.
the night Michael Lair's name was pulled.
[Bit 43]
35, Tony has settled $2 million worth harassment lawsuits
with 17 different Kill Tony photographers.
What?
- That's true.
[Bit 44]
- William Montgomery was fired from the storage facility
for filling storage units with leftover Vito's pizza crust.
[Bit 45]
- Joel Berg operates the drum pedal
with his anaconda of a cock.
[Bit 46]
Seriously, be cool and act natural, but Ryan J. E-Belt really is the Zodiac Killer.
[Bit 47]
Number 40, the secret puppet master behind the scenes of all podcasts is Gino from Speedweed,
an evil tyrant controlling people with drugs.
[Bit 48]
41, kill Tony has only been allowed to continue during Corona because the audio is so bad it doesn't count as entertainment.
[Bit 49]
42, David Deere is missing. Why are we not looking for him?
That's true.
Is that true?
Yeah.
No.
[Bit 50]
Tony here's 43 Tony has been saved from assassination three times. Thanks to the impenetrable Ridge wallet
[Bit 51]
That is absolutely true. The only way to have your name removed from the wall of the comedy store is a class B felony or higher
Alright that one hits close to home
[Bit 52]
Kill Tony fun fact kill Tony's fan base is mostly mentally ill fathers and whores with daddy issues
Oh boy, wow, way to really connect with the lovers of the show, Michael.
[Bit 53]
Despite appearances, no actual homosexuals are part of the Kill Tony ensemble.
That is a real, that's a true fun fact.
[Bit 54]
Karl McCris was born a brunette but turned ginger due to Agent Orange.
Ooh, that was number 47.
[Bit 55]
Number 48, virtual red band is facing some alarming allegations from Hello Kitty.
She wanted it.
[Bit 56]
Number 49 if the world talked to Michael layer like the world talks to Brian red band Michael layer would shoot up all the schools
[Bit 57]
number 50 for episode 500 of Kill Tony Gareth purse house returns to tell his side of the story it could happen it
could happen and
Bit 1 · Beat 1
Beat Details
Beat Premise
“Defending sketch performers implies sincere praise, but reveals sarcastic diversity criticism.”
Joke Type
misdirectLines
setupTony, I like to start with an argument.
setupWhat you said in my "sending an ally" is bullshit and a cliche,
setupWith people like Aidy Bryan,
setupand Seth and things strong,
setupand Vanessa Bair,
setupand Chris Redd,
setupand Grey P1,
setupand I rock on them,
setupand they're great comics.
setupLike Michael Bryan,
setupand they make good skits,
setupand fuck you in your 20 year generalization.
setup- Yeah, no, you're absolutely right.
setupI know how talented all those people are,
setup'cause I saw them at Open Mike,
setupsix years ago when they started.
setupSo that's great, you're right.
setupThey're super talented.
punchlineThey really just got fast-tracked
punchline'cause they're so brilliant.