Michael Lehrer on Kill Tony

Before we sing "Grace," before we sing "Grace," I need everyone to sign

I do not resent sitting for it.

For the potluck, I brought a ramp.

It was either that or tuna casserole.

Now, today is texting because Michael Larr is a comedy business. That's a good day for me.

Especially, can you imagine what I can write off for depreciation?

Hodge came, when he goes down on this girl, he says,

"Let me see that hot ass wasabi."

The President Biden is partying to Turkey

for Thanksgiving, one for each part of our divided nation.

Let me take all my black friends, and you take all your black friends, and we'll force them to fight each other.

Then we'll see who has the most white penis.

"Jack B. Nibble, Jack B. Quick,

"Dek shows off to fucking Marto."

Oh!

Oh!

You want my blood pressure?

Your blood is like too much pressure.

Get the fuck off of me, you fucking prick.

Right now, I heat wave, threatening 100 million Americans.

I threaten one bitch, I get a restraining order.

And every one of you white boys want to be me up here. And then, and then, and then, and then I get this disease. I can't walk, I can't talk.

There is no fucking ramp.

Um, all that this one I want is a woman with a type of time Little what blew away all my cocaine

so I flushed the goldfish from the fucking drain.

Three blind mice. The mice had participated in clinical trials for the J&J vaccine.

Blindness was a side effect.

Be deaf should not qualify you for the Paralympics. It's not a disability enough.

Having the gout is a worse disability than being deaf.

Oh yeah, this is gout country for sure.

A lot of me, man, you're all hobbling to the bathroom like on broken eyes, and you know what I mean.

But like, being deaf, that's not the disability. You know, a lot of people, they're like, "Michael, you have such an amazing story to tell, but it's like Chinese water torture hearing you say.

Have you ever considered writing some shit down once in a while?

I'm a dyin'-- I'm a dyin' young man

like a black.

But it's God who's killing me,

not one of my neighbors.

Now, being disabled means I don't have to respect none of you motherfuckers.

I don't respect vets.

I don't respect horses.

I'm a proud new resident of Texas

where H was admitted.

I like to get crunk. I like to kiss the sky, But I've never gotten in so high

when I let one of my buddies pump my asshole full of Ace.

This is not a wheelchair, it's a bird scooter for the damned.

You try plucking your legs in, you try plucking your legs in every 12 hours.

I go to restaurants, I demand a discount for bringing my own chair.