2020-05-19

Set 7 · Episode 455

Michael Lehrer

RegularDisabledMan

Career avg·9.57 bits/set·10.29 beats/set·0.66 punch density·0.46 tag density·14 sets

This set·7 bits·7 beats·0.69 punch density·0.57 tag density

Watch Michael Lehrer’s set

Skips to 1:35:40 in the episode

[Bit 1]

I want your customers to feel safe. Can't afford trained, qualified security. Fuck with

Securities, nation's number one provider of people who wear t-shirts that say security.

Our employees are the industry's best at one thing and one thing only.

Standing in place for a long period of time, we provide people and t-shirts.

Just tell us where to stand. Securities.

[Bit 2]

is Jack Ruby's steakhouse,

all world traditional style Italian cuisine

from the man who killed the man who killed the president.

[Bit 3]

-His actions may have been ordered by Jimmy Hoffa,

but his dishes are all in a word --

"Ruby," "Mobster," "Assassin," "Fall Guy."

[Bit 4]

We may never know, but even the Warren Commission

can agree on this.

You'll never have better garlic mashed potatoes.

[Bit 5]

Zagat says, Zagroopy sounds like a stage name,

and these dishes are Ruby's stage,

as well as the police basement where he gunned down

Lee Harvey Oswald.

[Bit 6]

What did Oswald know?

Something about candy or the recipe

to this tremendous ragu?

We'll never know.

[Bit 7]

So judge for yourself.

Obstitors just like me and you, violent foodies,

so you know it's going to be a good sauce.

Bit 1 · Beat 1

Beat Details

Beat Premise

“Budget security could be people merely wearing security shirts.”

Joke Type

reframe

Lines

setupI want your customers to feel safe. Can't afford trained, qualified security. Fuck with

punchlineSecurities, nation's number one provider of people who wear t-shirts that say security.

tagOur employees are the industry's best at one thing and one thing only.

tagStanding in place for a long period of time, we provide people and t-shirts.

tagJust tell us where to stand. Securities.