Set 9 · Episode 566
William Montgomery
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Career avg·4.13 bits/set·4.51 beats/set·0.61 punch density·0.57 tag density·101 sets
This set·7 bits·7 beats·0.14 punch density·0.71 tag density
Watch William Montgomery’s set
Skips to 1:37:55 in the episode
[Bit 1]
How's it going? My name is William Montgomery and I'm running for county alderman.
It's been a long time coming, but I can pinpoint the day I realized I wanted to be a politician.
We had this mud pit in the backyard and since I was the youngest, my parents would make me get in the mud pit before everyone else to scare away the snakes.
One day I had gotten into the mud pit
to scare away the snakes,
and a big water moccasin slithered right up to me.
I was terrified, it was right in front of my face,
and my dad yells, "Get the hell out of its way,
"it's gonna bite you."
But I just stood there, stone face,
and I made a promise to the snake that day.
And you know what that snake did?
It slithered away.
Old Stone Face, that's my nickname ever since.
[Bit 2]
Old Stone Face, and if I'm elected to county alderman,
I will stare down every snake, every frog,
and every lizard in our great community.
[Bit 3]
Have you all been able to figure this out yet?
Is it Santa or your parents?
I'm sick of this puzzle.
I have to try and figure out every December 25th.
[Bit 4]
And if we're on the subject of Christmas,
am I the only one totally shocked
we still see Frosty the Snowman on television
around Christmas time?
Let me see if I've got this right.
A group of kids finds a magical top hat
and puts on a snowman causing the snowman to reanimate.
Wait, where am I right now?
Hell or the Twilight Zone?
Get Frosty the Snowman off my TV!
We're in America, not the North Pole!
If I'm elected County Aldermen, there will be no mention of Frosty the Snowman after 2024!
[Bit 5]
If we're on the topic of holidays, my policy regarding Halloween is pretty straightforward.
Growing up, you know the one day I couldn't go outside, Tony?
Halloween.
You know why?
I was the youngest, so my mom wouldn't let me go out with my brothers, and more importantly,
I was scared to death.
I wasn't trying to walk around outside with a bunch of demons and vampires.
If I'm elected, County Aldermen, you can rest assured we're getting rid of Halloween once
and for all. Enough beating around the bush on this issue. I mean where am I
America are the gates to hell.
[Bit 6]
Speaking of giving our political prisoners back, hey Germany I'm looking
at you. Tony do you know how many American prisoners of war we still have
over in Germany since our involvement in World War II? I don't know either I was
asking you. Okay let's go into the next policy. Okay ma'am I'm gonna ask you this
[Bit 7]
what do you think is currently the biggest issue facing our community?
What's the biggest issue facing our community? You're right it is that we
still have elementary schools to stop at the sixth grade. If I'm elected county
Alderman elementary schools will stop at the 12th grade.
Bit 1 · Beat 1
Beat Details
Beat Premise
“Facing a snake in a childhood ordeal implies a brave showdown, but reveals the snake simply leaves.”
Joke Type
misdirectLines
setupHow's it going? My name is William Montgomery and I'm running for county alderman.
setupIt's been a long time coming, but I can pinpoint the day I realized I wanted to be a politician.
setupWe had this mud pit in the backyard and since I was the youngest, my parents would make me get in the mud pit before everyone else to scare away the snakes.
setupOne day I had gotten into the mud pit
setupto scare away the snakes,
setupand a big water moccasin slithered right up to me.
setupI was terrified, it was right in front of my face,
setupand my dad yells, "Get the hell out of its way,
setup"it's gonna bite you."
setupBut I just stood there, stone face,
setupand I made a promise to the snake that day.
setupAnd you know what that snake did?
punchlineIt slithered away.
tagOld Stone Face, that's my nickname ever since.