William Montgomery on Kill Tony

And by the way, Red Band, your mama was so fat,

now there's an ozimpic shortage.

I asked Chat GPT to explain the concept of God in the shortest terms possible.

It wrote back two words, "A-Fex Twin."

Quick housekeeping note, probably not the best timing, but when I was in Tucson recently,

somebody stole my razor scooter,

so, you know, any help from the local authorities

would be greatly appreciated.

They replaced the Blues Clues host,

and we stormed the Capitol.

I got banned from Antique's Roadshow for issuing death threats after they refused to

appraise my vintage bong collection. The Icecatcher's carved in pink ivory, you pompous prick!

I read where A-Fex Twin now had more monthly listeners on YouTube than Taylor Swift. My

My only question is, which twin is it?

and she heard people talk about doxxing one another. She goes, "Honey, what is doxxing?" I said, "Oh, it's when two guys get in a ring

and punch each other with their dicks."

And then around 80 days later, you show up from the opposite direction, And you're in a hot air balloon, and you're like,

"Guys, y'all are never gonna believe this!"

Mattel Toy Company has just come out with an autistic version of Barbie,

and luckily this version still has those great tits.

You're like, "Hey, if they don't have Monostat 1, just get Monostat 3." Uh, yeah, that's like saying, "Hey, if the video store doesn't have Godfather Part 1,

just rent Godfather Part 3."

Are you kidding me?

One of those is a pharmaceutical masterpiece and the other one, uh, it has its flaws.

- Who is the luckiest man in America?

Amy Schumer's husband. She's divorcing him.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is when he really sold out.

His first EP though? Shhhhhh!

- Quick housekeeping announcement. There's an Astro van parked out front. It's filled with guys and turbines reciting prayers,

frantically reciting prayers.

"A teenager who wants to be a lion tamer jumped in the lion enclosure in a Brazilian zoo.

If he had not been eaten alive by the lions, it would have gone really well."

I told Red Band about Black Friday,

and he said, "They already get February, now Friday?"

I feel like the results of my polygraph tests

are gaslighting me.

My girl don't need a sports bra.

She needs to sit on the couch and watch Bravo bra.

My girl don't need a sports bra. She needs to call the American Idol hotline

and issue a bomb threat bra.

I saw earlier today, Red Band has a new bumper sticker that says, "I'd rather be hijacking you 9-93."

Dude, what does that even fucking mean, Red Band?

That's the airplane that went into the ground.

Welp, I got locked in the Abercrombie and Fitch store again.