Todd Royce

Golden TicketWhiteMan

Career avg·3.00 bits/set·4.50 beats/set·0.45 punch density·1.11 tag density·6 sets

This set·1 bit·5 beats·0.50 punch density·1.00 tag density

Watch Todd Royce’s set

Skips to 6:31 in the episode

[Bit 1]

I don't know if this is weird.

When I was 13 years old, my stepdad

taught me how to masturbate.

And I don't, I give him credit because at that age,

All of my friends were being taught the birds and the bees,

but Dale looked at me and was like,

"Todd's gonna have to learn how to take care of himself."

So he called me into his room and showed me how to jerk off.

On a banana with a banana, his banana, his dick,

he jerked off in front of me.

And here's the weird part,

this is what has always stuck out in my memory,

is that he wasn't even erect at all, which hurt, you know?

Like, well, look, I just feel like if you're gonna sexually assault a child,

you should be on your A-game, you know?

Like, fluff it up a little bit, smack it around or whatever you gotta do.

Plus, who can't get hard with these tits?

And I was young, they were perky, you know what I mean?

He, when he finished, he told, well, he didn't finish.

He wasn't like, he wasn't like, watch, this is the best part.

But when he was done, he told me,

"Whatever you do, please don't tell your mom about this."

And I immediately told my mom about this.

And, well, look, I'm sorry.

I know snitches get stitches,

but if you show me your cock, I'm gonna talk.

Bit 1 · Beat 1

Beat Details

Beat Premise

“A stepdad's lesson implies harmless guidance, but reveals masturbation.”

Joke Type

misdirect

Lines

setupI don't know if this is weird.

setupWhen I was 13 years old, my stepdad

punchlinetaught me how to masturbate.