2020-05-05

Set 8 · Episode 453

Michael Lehrer

RegularDisabledMan

Career avg·9.57 bits/set·10.29 beats/set·0.66 punch density·0.46 tag density·14 sets

This set·14 bits·14 beats·0.15 punch density·0.81 tag density

Watch Michael Lehrer’s set

Skips to 1:32:09 in the episode

[Bit 1]

have made me realize what's important.

I'm in the flow state now.

I know my time is more valuable than anyone on earth and I know how I want to spend it.

Writing and starring in pornos.

[Bit 2]

Not just any pornos, all right?

I want to make the curfew enthusiasm of pornos.

It will accept I'm disabled, I'm always angry, and there's full penetration.

It's called Cool Your Jets.

[Bit 3]

Now I'd like to present to all of the porno platforms and Tony Waring intro scenes from

my pitch deck for my show, Cool Your Jets.

Absolutely.

And here we go.

So the first scene is called "Galoshes for Wheelchair

Wheels."

This is the current enthusiasm of pornos.

And this is where Michael argues with a clerk

at a medical supply store because they do not

offer galoshes for wheelchair wheels.

Go ahead, Michael.

OK.

It's called "Cool Your Test."

Brian, hit me.

- Oh, how can not all bird glasses for wheelchair wheels?

Wheelchairs are outside and then they're inside.

People take off their shoes.

I can't take off my wheels.

How can you have all this shit?

but you don't have glasses for wheelchair wheels.

It'd be as simple as putting on a condom.

Yeah, I can just put on one of those.

[Bit 4]

- Jesus, Brian.

I somehow knew you would fuck this up.

I knew that the--

I knew that the,

somehow I knew that the dying man

was not going to miss a beat and that Red Band would fuck up on the first fucking opportunity.

Make an excuse, go ahead.

[Bit 5]

Oh, there's no way Red Band can fuck up again.

This is just no.

Can you turn off the delay if there's one of them?

There's no fucking delay, Red Band.

Just wait until he cues you to hit the button.

Let the five second delay happen.

I'm going to watch you hit the button after he cues you up.

There hasn't been another delay on any of these buttons.

I've been watching the whole time.

Okay. Yeah, there's a fucking delay.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

There's a delay.

You're the delay, Red Band.

100%.

There's a fucking delay, Tony.

Yeah, there is!

[Bit 6]

Let's do the next, uh, "Kirby Your Enthusiasm of Porn," uh, seen here.

No, it's "Kirby's Enthusiasm of Porn."

You son of a bitch.

I know it's called Cool Your Jets.

It's the Caribbean enthusiasm of pornos.

This next scene is called "Cush in the Blow"

where Michael argues with a disability charity

in regards to the assistance they offer.

- What do you mean you can loan me a wheelchair cushion?

You're gonna loan me one.

So some dead guy's ass has been on this cushion until he died,

and then you're going to loan me that cushion,

and then my ass is going to be on it.

Well, how about this?

How about you loan me a friend to keep my balls cool

on this cushion?

Oh, you have other ways of cooling my balls?

[Bit 7]

This next one's called Rush Driver.

Michael argues with a bus driver who forgets to check

if Michael is safely secured to the bus.

- Looks like that apology is delayed too.

rush driver where Michael argues with a bus driver who forgets to check if Michael is

safely secured to the bus. Take it away Michael.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You should be in front of the kid in the bus.

Excuse me.

I'll bless you, you.

Unless you wanna settle out of court.

[Bit 8]

I would definitely, I mean, we gotta get Pornhub

and all the big companies behind this.

There should be a bidding war for this type of content.

- Oh, I know, man.

I mean, no one is gonna make funnier pornos than me.

And I'm disabled, so it's not gonna be that bad.

Win win win for everyone.

[Bit 9]

Yeah, I'm gonna be on America's Got Talent.

You're gonna make Tony spit up the table wine.

What?

Jeremiah, what are you saying?

How?

I said you're gonna make Tony spit up the table wine.

Oh, that's one of the hit table wines.

Yeah, I applied online. The world already loves me, so America should be easy. And I

have a person on the inside. I just have to cut all my butt fucking jokes. I have to cut

all my butt fucking jokes out.

But then I'll be good.

[Bit 10]

Um, how much time do I have left toning?

- Well, probably only a few weeks, but.

[Bit 11]

In 1998, I graduated valedictorian from Central Wyoming College in Riverton, Wyoming,

on the Wind River Indian Reservation. The reservation, the movie Wind River, was sent on anyway.

I deserve to be 2020 Central Wyoming College alumni of the year.

[Bit 12]

You know, we tried this before with the one wheelchair company,

but they don't respond to people.

They have a very that one wheelchair that you wanted.

They made a lot of noise and they contacted that wheelchair company,

but they don't they don't have an active social media and they don't

they simply don't do negotiations.

They're like Apple.

They just simply don't give discounts.

They don't do deals.

[Bit 13]

Would you go back there to accept that award?

Yeah, there's a luncheon.

A luncheon?

Hell yeah.

[Bit 14]

Silent guitar is the sound out again?

-Oh.

-Put the mic towards it.

-He's just moaning.

There you go, Red Band.

That's another Red Band.

Bit 1 · Beat 1

Beat Details

Beat Premise

“Valuing limited time implies profound priorities, but reveals making pornography.”

Joke Type

misdirect

Lines

setuphave made me realize what's important.

setupI'm in the flow state now.

setupI know my time is more valuable than anyone on earth and I know how I want to spend it.

punchlineWriting and starring in pornos.