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2021-07-13

Michael Lehrer

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Watch Michael Lehrer's Kill Tony episode 513 set with a timestamped video, full transcript, and line-by-line joke breakdown. This set has 6 bits, 9 joke beats, 0.46 punch density, 0.33 tag density.

Career avg·6.18 bits/set·7.08 beats/set·0.55 punch density·0.45 tag density·38 sets

This set·6 bits·9 beats·0.46 punch density·0.33 tag density

Like, it's not gay if they pay me to suck my old dick.

No, I got that wrong.

[Bit 1]

I mean, it's not gay if they pay me to suck your dick.

What I'm trying to say is,

they give me the money,

I sit in my wheelchair,

and they suck my dick.

And that's not gay, they promised.

[Bit 2]

I'm sure the best thing about being sick

is no more auditions, no more Hollywood bullshit, right?

I mean, acting is not a real profession,

always in the profession where little fucking cake can be better than me.

But you know when you get sick you learn what's

important in life and it ain't the shiny things, honey child.

I'm...

Besides, if I get something shiny,

the bank inside the supermarket on the Indian reservation

repossesses it anywhere.

Aw, man.

[Bit 3]

I'm a dyin'--

I'm a dyin' young man

like a black.

But it's God who's killing me,

not one of my neighbors.

[Bit 4]

Look, look, there's a thin line between,

there's a thin line between good and evil, all right?

Pablo Escobar murdered thousands of cops.

He did some bad things too.

[Bit 5]

Now, being disabled means I don't have to respect

none of you motherfuckers.

I don't respect vets.

I don't respect horses.

I don't respect pence.

A pen to pencil gets one chance in my house,

right or your garbage.

But I wanna leave you with this.

[Bit 6]

Life is hard, but if at first you don't succeed,

find out who didn't and see when that motherfucker eats.

Bit 1 · Beat 1

Beat Details

Joke Type

misdirect

Lines

punchlineI mean, it's not gay if they pay me to suck your dick.