Jack Hemphill

Bucket PullWhiteManMedium Joke Book

Career avg·4.00 bits/set·4.00 beats/set·0.21 punch density·0.00 tag density·1 set

This set·4 bits·4 beats·0.21 punch density·0.00 tag density·Medium Joke Book

Watch Jack Hemphill’s set

Skips to 1:01:07 in the episode

[Bit 1]

Yo, I don't know if you could tell by looking at me,

but I got my haircut at the lesbian barber shop.

They kind of fucked me up though, it's my fault.

They asked me what I wanted.

I said, I don't know, just scissor me.

[Bit 2]

I keep seeing ads for male enhancement pills.

They're supposed to make your dick bigger,

longer, stronger.

I don't know about that.

I wish they'd come out with something

for a female enhancement.

Yeah, how about a pill that makes you shut the fuck up?

[Bit 3]

My dad, my dad, he was always on this seafood diet

where if he got home and he didn't see food on the table,

he'd hit my mom.

[Bit 4]

Like, if a white dude wants to be black,

they call him a wigger, right?

I'm a white dude and I really want to be Mexican.

What does that make me, a wiener?

Bit 1 · Beat 1

Beat Details

Beat Premise

“"Scissor me" can mean a haircutting technique or a lesbian sex act.”

Joke Type

double-meaning

Lines

setupYo, I don't know if you could tell by looking at me,

setupbut I got my haircut at the lesbian barber shop.

setupThey kind of fucked me up though, it's my fault.

setupThey asked me what I wanted.

punchlineI said, I don't know, just scissor me.