Before I start the minute I'm not gonna do,
I'd like to say I'm the house cripple,
but I'm also the house ombudsman.
And this has been an amazing episode.
And Annie, you're a big part of that.
Like you brought a great energy today
and these fucking basketball players.
And one, and one white chocolate over there.
[Bit 1]
Annie, those bamboo earrings.
I took them actually out of a black girl's ears.
So and I'm from New York.
So I recognize the way he rings.
[Bit 2]
So obviously Hollywood throw up my ass.
They're like, Michael, you're so good at writing.
We need you to be the next Dick Wolf.
Like, we need you to be the next Dick Wolf.
But when they think, what do we need the show about now?
[Bit 3]
Tony pulled out the box.
This is a box that was given to me before the show by Michael
- I-- - Isn't that that other guy's name?
- Oh my goodness, there's scripts in here.
- Pass it out to everyone banning me.
- 'Cause no one tells me anything,
so I no idea you freaking--
- What do I do with all these?
- Oh, can I have some of these?
- Yeah, there's more than six.
Are we all supposed to use them?
[Bit 4]
Yeah, what's the name of the show?
Yeah, what are you holding?
Cigarettes. These are candy cigarettes.
Alright, pretty intuitive, right?
Like, it helped with, since I'm melting, I didn't have to explain everything.
So, Tony, is everyone ready?
Everyone in Hollywood is like, Michael there,
right the next dick wolf.
And remember band, let's do this as if, though, your characters
are doing impressions of your actual people,
- Pardon me, thank you, Tony.
This is The Smoking Nurses from a guy who watched
Law and Order, Michael Lair, Nurse Tony, and here we go.
Theme song in three, two, one.
They smoke, they nurse, they are the smoking nurses.
- The Smoking Nurses is filmed entirely behind the hospital
where the nurses go to smoke cigarettes.
[Bit 5]
- I am so burnt out.
Frontline better turn into fun time ASAP
because Nurse Redband needs to get F-U-C-K fucked.
[Bit 6]
- At least you have fucks to look forward to.
Nurse Redband, I lost seven patients to Corona this morning.
I courageously offered each of them one last chance
- Nurse Jeremiah, that's a violation of your nursing home.
This is the rapture, honey.
These men deserve a final nut blast.
[Bit 7]
- One of the men who died was only 40 years old.
- No one's safe from Corona.
- Well, he also had gout and gangrene
[Bit 8]
- Man, I hope this plague never ends.
Fuck y'all, I love living in isolation.
Away from my rotten kids and son of a bitch husband.
Watching reruns of the Sopranos and ripping farts.
With no commentary from my rotten kids or son of a bitch husband.
[Bit 9]
Time to ourselves is important.
Some of these patients were the last people they'll ever talk to.
And holy moly will they not shut the fuck up.
It's like they see the light and want to get everything off their chest.
I must have heard a dozen murder confessions.
[Bit 10]
Speaking of confessions, why does everyone have a new Disneyland lantern except me?
Because we all went to Disneyland in the middle of a pandemic and didn't invite you.
You nurses are a bunch of Rudy Tuesdays.
We didn't invite you because you wear scrubs on your days off.
[Bit 11]
They're the ultimate in comfortable clothing.
Why would I wear something less comfortable?
you're naked under your scrubs.
It is a health code violation to not wear underwear
[Bit 12]
Yeah, you better not wear scrubs
to the chief of staff's wedding.
Canceled, half of her bridesmaids
killed themselves from exhaustion.
She thought the ceremony would be in poor taste.
Suicide, the ultimate party foul.
[Bit 13]
- Next week on The Smoking Nurses.
When you're gone, I'll be the charge nurse.
That's the nurse in charge.
- I know what a charge nurse is.
- I'm just saying, you leave, I'm the charge nurse.
- We all know that the charge nurse is in charge.
[Bit 14]
The week after that on the smoking nurses.
We all got the GD Corona!
How? We wore the most protective clothes!
It's getting in through our shoes!
The average pair of crocs have 40 dime-sized holes!
There you go, the smoking nurses.
[Bit 15]
I ate all my cigarettes!
