2025-02-15

Set 11 · Episode 706

Andrew Dice Clay

Bucket PullMan

Career avg·3.00 bits/set·8.00 beats/set·0.16 punch density·0.67 tag density·1 set

This set·3 bits·8 beats·0.16 punch density·0.67 tag density

Watch Andrew Dice Clay’s set

Skips to 2:13:57 in the episode

[Bit 1]

But the thing is this, Tony,

I am a little upset.

I'm just kidding.

I shouldn't have even came up here tonight, I'll be honest, because,

you know, when you carry something, you know, Joe, when something's bothering

you and I know we're in an arena full of people, but if I don't get it off my

chest, it's really gonna bother me and I won't be able to do anything for you

because I'm getting ready for the show, right? And I tell her all the time, because

I follow a list. I put things like fingerless gloves I stole from Dick

Sporting Goods. Check. And I tell her, don't make any noise when I follow the

but she makes a noise and I come over and I tell her,

"It's nice as you--"

"Shut up!"

I go back to the list.

Shoes by Ferre Raggamo.

She makes another noise.

It gets a little more severe, I'm telling you the truth.

You know, I feel like an asshole, but I come over and I go,

"You know, shut the fuck up."

I mean, you understand, if somebody said that to you, you would understand her, right?

She makes another noise.

And I'm just going to out myself to this crowd because I'm just sick inside and I've been

sitting backstage for a while and I come over to her and with one hand, I'm just, I can't

lie.

I just can't do it.

And with one hand, I grab Alexa out of the fucking wall, this piece of shit, and I bash

her on the fucking ground, and now she's in fucking pieces.

You know, I got Alexa during the pandemic, and everything was beautiful back then.

I don't know, I'd come out of the room in the morning, I'd go, "Alexa, play Frank Sinatra

radio. Come fly with me. Let's fly. Let's fly away. Thank you.

Alexa, set the coffee timer for five minutes. Beep beep. Beep beep.

Alexa, what's the weather like outside? Oh, it's sunny with a few clouds in the sky.

And about eight months ago, it starts, right?

I come out, "Alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio."

She starts playing some fucking rock and roll shit.

"Alexa, set the coffee timer for five minutes."

Nothing.

Tell him in the shower, 20 minutes later,

and she starts, "Beep, beep, beep, beep,

hoping I slip and break my fucking hip."

Why didn't they come out with Anthony just for the guys?

I know that would have never been a problem.

Anthony, play Frank Sinatra radio.

Come fly with me. Let's fly. Let's fly away.

Anthony, set the coffee timer for five minutes.

Dice, you only got to tell me one fucking time.

I'm not fucking Alexa. Me and you with the same.

same go take your fucking shower and if you want to know the weather look out

the fucking window and here we are fucking New Year's Eve this is tonight

[Bit 2]

let me tell you this is one load at a time fellas everybody gets to shoot

their moose juice all over you tonight that's what it's all about and tonight

It's not just about a quick bang. It's about being a fucking mechanic.

Walk around the bed pal. Take a good look at her and what she's wearing. Be a mechanic. Move the tongue to the side.

Nice beefy clam chops between her legs.

You get on missionary. Why? Why would you get on missionary? Just to break a sweat.

Loosen the back muscles, the back of your legs, get on your toes, dig in a little.

Now when you break a sweat, you grab a biore ankle, pull it to the edge of the bed caddy

corner.

It's the best fucking workout in the world.

You're doing the screwdriver.

You're working your shoulders, your tries, your bice, each in cre--.

Now you're gonna do your fucking squats.

on to that fucking ankle, but on the third time down, your face goes right into the pink

lip lagoon. On the sixth time down, my friend, you miss the pink lip lagoon and your tongue

goes in a whole other area. And when your tongue goes in her asshole, by the way, the

asshole they used to hide from us with extra-long pussy hairs and today they

take it to the salon they get it bleached out, buffed out, put a little

studded fucking earring in there so when your tongue goes in there what does a

chick do they all look to the left they're all like did he do what I think

he just did. And then the show begins. Ass, putty, ass, putty, tick, tick, tick, ankle,

putty, putty, putty, ass, ass, like you're honking a horn, ass, ass. Then you pick up

the tempo, ass, putty, ass, putty, ass, putty, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,

"Pu-du-pu-du-pu-du-pu-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du"

And I learned all of that from all of my mom's best fucking friends.

[Bit 3]

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,

eating a curd's and whey.

Long came a spidey sat down beside,

he said, "Hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?

Oh!"

Jack and Jill went up to hell

both with a buck and a quarter.

Jill came down with 250.

Oh!

Little boy blew.

He needed that money.

Hickory dickory dock.

This chick was sucking my cock.

The clock struck too.

I dropped my goo.

I dumped a bitch on the next block.

Oh!

Oh mother hubby went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone. She bent over

Rover took over. Oh, she got a bone of her own. You've been a great crowd

Bit 1 · Beat 1

Beat Details

Beat Premise

“A home voice assistant implies obedience, but reveals a nagging saboteur.”

Joke Type

misdirect

Lines

setupBut the thing is this, Tony,

setupI am a little upset.

setupI shouldn't have even came up here tonight, I'll be honest, because,

setupyou know, when you carry something, you know, Joe, when something's bothering

setupyou and I know we're in an arena full of people, but if I don't get it off my

setupchest, it's really gonna bother me and I won't be able to do anything for you

setupbecause I'm getting ready for the show, right? And I tell her all the time, because

setupI follow a list. I put things like fingerless gloves I stole from Dick

setupSporting Goods. Check. And I tell her, don't make any noise when I follow the

setupbut she makes a noise and I come over and I tell her,

setup"It's nice as you--"

setup"Shut up!"

setupI go back to the list.

setupShoes by Ferre Raggamo.

setupShe makes another noise.

setupIt gets a little more severe, I'm telling you the truth.

setupYou know, I feel like an asshole, but I come over and I go,

setup"You know, shut the fuck up."

setupI mean, you understand, if somebody said that to you, you would understand her, right?

setupShe makes another noise.

setupAnd I'm just going to out myself to this crowd because I'm just sick inside and I've been

setupsitting backstage for a while and I come over to her and with one hand, I'm just, I can't

setuplie.

setupI just can't do it.

punchlineAnd with one hand, I grab Alexa out of the fucking wall, this piece of shit, and I bash

punchlineher on the fucking ground, and now she's in fucking pieces.

Bit 1 · Beat 1

Beat Details

Beat Premise

“A home voice assistant implies obedience, but reveals a nagging saboteur.”

Joke Type

misdirect

Lines

setupBut the thing is this, Tony,

setupI am a little upset.

setupI shouldn't have even came up here tonight, I'll be honest, because,

setupyou know, when you carry something, you know, Joe, when something's bothering

setupyou and I know we're in an arena full of people, but if I don't get it off my

setupchest, it's really gonna bother me and I won't be able to do anything for you

setupbecause I'm getting ready for the show, right? And I tell her all the time, because

setupI follow a list. I put things like fingerless gloves I stole from Dick

setupSporting Goods. Check. And I tell her, don't make any noise when I follow the

setupbut she makes a noise and I come over and I tell her,

setup"It's nice as you--"

setup"Shut up!"

setupI go back to the list.

setupShoes by Ferre Raggamo.

setupShe makes another noise.

setupIt gets a little more severe, I'm telling you the truth.

setupYou know, I feel like an asshole, but I come over and I go,

setup"You know, shut the fuck up."

setupI mean, you understand, if somebody said that to you, you would understand her, right?

setupShe makes another noise.

setupAnd I'm just going to out myself to this crowd because I'm just sick inside and I've been

setupsitting backstage for a while and I come over to her and with one hand, I'm just, I can't

setuplie.

setupI just can't do it.

punchlineAnd with one hand, I grab Alexa out of the fucking wall, this piece of shit, and I bash

punchlineher on the fucking ground, and now she's in fucking pieces.