2025-02-15

Set 15 · Episode 706

Brian Holtzman

Bucket PullMan

Career avg·10.33 bits/set·16.67 beats/set·0.63 punch density·0.83 tag density·3 sets

This set·10 bits·17 beats·0.36 punch density·0.53 tag density

Watch Brian Holtzman’s set

Skips to 2:41:57 in the episode

[Bit 1]

I just cut Daisy down she was trying to hang herself backstage.

Somebody go check on that bitch.

Ain't it great when women try to do men's shit?

[Bit 2]

I'm not too happy with the panel.

Trump is gonna get this Australian.

He's the first fucking immigrant

that's gonna get the fuck out of the country.

[Bit 3]

I was in a toxic relationship.

How long?

18 months?

Why did it take you so long

to figure out you were in a toxic relationship?

Was it when he had his hands

wrapped around your fucking throat?

Guys know how to get rid of guys quick. We know when guys are dangerous. We get away from them real quick

What's wrong with you bitches?

You can't sense danger

What was it when he pushed you out of that slow moving fucking car near the lake

When he spilled his beer in your face in front of your parents

Kill yourself kill yourself

[Bit 4]

I hope everybody got what they wanted for Christmas.

And Kwanzaa.

And Hanukkah.

And ISIS.

You wanna decorate the tree

or cut somebody's fucking head off?

'Cause you're fucked.

[Bit 5]

I didn't do too well, I got those gift cards again.

Give me the fucking cash, give me the cash!

What happens if I wanna buy a cock ring?

Am I gonna find that at Target?

Give me the fucking cash!

Here's a gift card, why don't you just shit in my hand?

Shit in my hand, shit in my hand!

Give me the cash.

What happens if I want to buy a fucking asshole extender?

Could you see me at Target trying to get an asshole expander?

Well, it looks like a reversed egg beater and it has keys on it and you crank it and

it makes your asshole larger.

Do you have it?

[Bit 6]

I got a new year's resolutions too.

I'm not lifting up the fucking toilet seat when I piss.

I got a prostate problem.

I'm not going up and down with the fucking toilet seat.

Bitch turn around and see where that seat is.

And if there's piss on it, be a girl and wipe the fucking urine off.

If I hear you need to lift the seat once more, I'm going to rip the fucking seats out of

the whole house.

I told my mother, I'm taking the fucking toilet seats out of the house.

It's going to be like the Philippines.

No toilet seats.

[Bit 7]

My New Year's resolution, I'm not putting my shopping cart away.

Fuck you.

You should be happy I'm shopping at this fucking store.

It's all you people care about is putting shopping carts away.

Fuck yourself.

I'll put it away.

I put it right in the intersection of the parking lot.

And wait for the woman to just drive up and say, "And shit there."

[Bit 8]

They want to send women to the moon.

What are they going to do?

Get up there and complain?

It's too cold.

It's too hot.

Where are they going to find women to go to the moon?

They're all busy playing fucking soccer.

[Bit 9]

Just be happy and not have any feelings.

We don't give a fuck about your feelings.

Feelings go up and down, feelings, you know,

feelings are like a fart.

Once you fart, you don't miss that fart.

[Bit 10]

But it's a new, it's a brand new year.

I'm optimistic about it.

I'm very optimistic about it.

I'm even more optimistic about remembering

what I was gonna say up here.

Bit 1 · Beat 1

Beat Details

Beat Premise

“A backstage suicide attempt could be women trying men's work.”

Joke Type

reframe

Lines

setupI just cut Daisy down she was trying to hang herself backstage.

punchlineSomebody go check on that bitch.

tagAin't it great when women try to do men's shit?