[Bit 1]
have made me realize what's important.
I'm in the flow state now.
I know my time is more valuable than anyone on earth and I know how I want to spend it.
Writing and starring in pornos.
[Bit 2]
Not just any pornos, all right?
I want to make the curfew enthusiasm of pornos.
It will accept I'm disabled, I'm always angry, and there's full penetration.
It's called Cool Your Jets.
Wow. Alright, I love it. I love it.
[Bit 3]
Now I'd like to present to all of the porno platforms and Tony Waring intro scenes from
my pitch deck for my show, Cool Your Jets.
So the first scene is called "Galoshes for Wheelchair
This is the current enthusiasm of pornos.
And this is where Michael argues with a clerk
at a medical supply store because they do not
offer galoshes for wheelchair wheels.
It's called "Cool Your Test."
- Oh, how can not all bird glasses for wheelchair wheels?
Wheelchairs are outside and then they're inside.
People take off their shoes.
I can't take off my wheels.
How can you have all this shit?
but you don't have glasses for wheelchair wheels.
It'd be as simple as putting on a condom.
Yeah, I can just put on one of those.
I somehow knew you would fuck this up.
somehow I knew that the dying man
was not going to miss a beat and that Red Band would fuck up on the first fucking opportunity.
Make an excuse, go ahead.
I think they have this thing running through a delay, so I have to hit it and it's like
Don't hit anything until he queues you up.
Really wait for the chive.
I was going to tell you this before him, but I really figured maybe he won't fuck this
Do you think maybe my work is too high concept?
It's just, it's just, it's just a red band.
Let's move on to the next scene.
I'm going to pitch this to the porno platforms for you.
No, Tony, why don't we just talk.
I'm telling you, this is fucking gold.
[Bit 5]
Oh, there's no way Red Band can fuck up again.
Can you turn off the delay if there's one of them?
There's no fucking delay, Red Band.
Just wait until he cues you to hit the button.
Let the five second delay happen.
I'm going to watch you hit the button after he cues you up.
There hasn't been another delay on any of these buttons.
I've been watching the whole time.
Okay. Yeah, there's a fucking delay.
You're the delay, Red Band.
There's a fucking delay, Tony.
I don't want you guys to fight because of me!
There wasn't even a delay, you hit the button and you knocked over it.
There you go, yeah, five seconds delay.
It's different now, they changed something.
Can I just say, Michael, look what you've done.
[Bit 6]
Let's do the next, uh, "Kirby Your Enthusiasm of Porn," uh, seen here.
No, it's "Kirby's Enthusiasm of Porn."
I know it's called Cool Your Jets.
It's the Caribbean enthusiasm of pornos.
This next scene is called "Cush in the Blow"
where Michael argues with a disability charity
in regards to the assistance they offer.
- What do you mean you can loan me a wheelchair cushion?
You're gonna loan me one.
So some dead guy's ass has been on this cushion until he died,
and then you're going to loan me that cushion,
and then my ass is going to be on it.
How about you loan me a friend to keep my balls cool
Oh, you have other ways of cooling my balls?
- There was a little bit of a delay on that one.
- There was a little bit of a delay.
[Bit 7]
This next one's called Rush Driver.
Michael argues with a bus driver who forgets to check
if Michael is safely secured to the bus.
- Looks like that apology is delayed too.
rush driver where Michael argues with a bus driver who forgets to check if Michael is
safely secured to the bus. Take it away Michael.
You should be in front of the kid in the bus.
Unless you wanna settle out of court.
[Bit 8]
I would definitely, I mean, we gotta get Pornhub
and all the big companies behind this.
There should be a bidding war for this type of content.
I mean, no one is gonna make funnier pornos than me.
And I'm disabled, so it's not gonna be that bad.
Win win win for everyone.
Win win win win win for sure.
So what's been happening this week with the quarantine?
Anything exciting going on?
[Bit 9]
Yeah, I'm gonna be on America's Got Talent.
You're gonna make Tony spit up the table wine.
Jeremiah, what are you saying?
I said you're gonna make Tony spit up the table wine.
Oh, that's one of the hit table wines.
Yeah, I applied online. The world already loves me, so America should be easy. And I
have a person on the inside. I just have to cut all my butt fucking jokes. I have to cut
all my butt fucking jokes out.
Sometimes you gotta kill your babies.
You gotta lose those butt fucking jokes that everyone loves.
Hey, can I make a plea to the audience?
- Oh, your cord fell out of your mic.
You gotta get your cord, something's wrong
- Oh, we got you, we got you, we got you.
[Bit 10]
Um, how much time do I have left toning?
- Well, probably only a few weeks, but.
Make a plea to the audience, go ahead.
[Bit 11]
In 1998, I graduated valedictorian from Central Wyoming College in Riverton, Wyoming,
on the Wind River Indian Reservation. The reservation, the movie Wind River, was sent on anyway.
I deserve to be 2020 Central Wyoming College alumni of the year.
I absolutely agree. If there's any way for us to contact Central Wyoming College in Riverton,
Wyoming in Riverton. I was valedictorian in 1998.
Yep and now you've gone on to become a comedic lord of not only the world but
soon you will take over the United States of America when you win
America's Got Talent. Yeah. And let's face it if they allowed
butt f*cking jokes they would they would have no choice it
wouldn't even be a competition but since you have to cut those. Oh yeah.
I still think you're going to win minus the butt fucking jokes, but I agree.
I think the listeners of the show should contact.
[Bit 12]
You know, we tried this before with the one wheelchair company,
but they don't respond to people.
They have a very that one wheelchair that you wanted.
They made a lot of noise and they contacted that wheelchair company,
but they don't they don't have an active social media and they don't
they simply don't do negotiations.
They just simply don't give discounts.
But I think that if enough people make some noise, Central Wyoming
College in Riverton, Wyoming, I think we can get you alumni of the year.
[Bit 13]
Would you go back there to accept that award?
Yeah, there's a luncheon.
I can't. Red band wants everyone to vote for him.
Hey real quick I sold my bike chain for $800 to Jimmy Make You.
Shout out to you Jimmy Make You.
And I want to say bye from my nurse/girlfriend.
Let's give it up for honey.
[Bit 14]
Silent guitar is the sound out again?
-Yes, now we can hear you.
-Yes, now we can hear you.
I got baby flake, baby, play your heart out, play your heart out.
Yeah, strike that bass, y'all.
