Matthew Maloney

Bucket PullManYoungWhite

Watch Matthew Maloney's Kill Tony episode 120 set with a timestamped video, full transcript, and line-by-line joke breakdown. This set has 1 bit, 6 joke beats, 1.40 punch density, 0.17 tag density.

Career avg·1.33 bits/set·3.17 beats/set·0.57 punch density·0.39 tag density·6 sets

This set·1 bit·6 beats·1.40 punch density·0.17 tag density

[Bit 1]

Ladies and gentlemen, I got a lot of love to give, but no one to give it to for free.

So I decided, if I'm going to die alone at the very least, I'm going to watch something else do the same.

That's right. I've decided to get a pet.

But what kind of pet? Well, I'm not gonna get a dog because I don't need another

reason to feel guilty about not going on walks. I'm afraid to get a cat because

tragically feline addiction runs in my family. Seriously, like every time I

visit relatives, fucking cats everywhere. And whenever one dies, three more grow in

its place. Fish aren't pets, barely decorations. And I'm actually not allowed

to get any type of bird or reptile because I don't now, nor have I ever worn a ponytail.

So that just leaves me with one logical option. I've decided to get a scorpion. And I found

this out recently. It's actually illegal to order scorpions through the mail. Thanks again,

9/11. So I had to drive 130 miles. And I got--

Bit 1 · Beat 1

Beat Details

Joke Type

misdirect

Lines

setupLadies and gentlemen, I got a lot of love to give, but no one to give it to for free.

punchlineSo I decided, if I'm going to die alone at the very least, I'm going to watch something else do the same.