[Bit 1]
Tony, I like to start with an argument.
What you said in my "sending an ally" is bullshit and a cliche,
With people like Aidy Bryan,
and Seth and things strong,
and they're great comics.
and they make good skits,
and fuck you in your 20 year generalization.
- Yeah, no, you're absolutely right.
I know how talented all those people are,
'cause I saw them at Open Mike,
six years ago when they started.
So that's great, you're right.
They really just got fast-tracked
'cause they're so brilliant.
[Bit 2]
- Ouch, they're too--
- I always believe a man that hits himself
in the face with a microphone.
No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I know those people, they're talented.
- The writing is just brilliant on that show.
I mean, I think to myself,
how do they come up with these skits?
Comedy is a fickle mistress.
And I know a lot of these people as well.
People and fucking joke, I mean this.
So Tony, I don't give you my boss.
By the way, Michael Loehr lost $100 to me in a bet.
I didn't want to bet him.
He kept trying to bet me.
I go, I'm not betting you on this.
He kept betting me $100 that my friend, the last style bender,
Israel Adesanya, would lose in this recent UFC fight.
Why would you ever try to do that bet?
And by the way, first of all, yes, Redban.
I've never agreed with you more on anything.
And second of all, even though technically to the outside perspective, it was a tough fight for Adesanya.
Look what happened. I mean, it perhaps was the most one-sided main event in years.
One, one. I see a friend, Joe Rogan.
He's right here. He's sitting next to me.
- Wait, Tony, I had this question.
- Oh, okay, Michael, what?
- It's a real question, I had this question.
You want some money, 'cause when it happened,
you predicted it almost exactly how it happened.
You told me exactly what would go down,
and that's what went down, I wanted to know.
- That's exactly right, I told Michael the same thing,
and he decided to bet me $100.
- You know what's funny is I told him this earlier,
Michael is such a gentleman that I got that Venmo
while Israel out of Sanya was still breakdancing
in the middle of the octagon.
He literally spun around his opponent.
It really is hilarious and he's still going.
I don't know if anybody has been following this
on the internet, but Israel out of Sanya,
very, usually very sportsman-like,
but this guy wanted to become the champion
He made sketches, did you see the sketch?
- He pumped him after he knocked him out.
- Yeah, but his opponent, Paulo Costa,
actually made videos where he had in his training camp
there was a skinny, tall black man,
and so they made this video where he's chasing around
the tall, skinny black man shaped like Style Bender,
and the guy's running away and he runs out of the octagon,
so today Style Bender was reposting these sketches
with crying emoticons and all this.
And then there's this guy over here that wanted to bet me.
- Yeah, you know, I give him the script before the UFC,
so who's gonna win and who's gonna lose.
- And you know that if I wanted to at any point,
not to say that I did, but maybe I did,
I can text Joe Rogan any time I want.
Like how some people would go,
if I was friends with Joe Rogan, maybe I would text him.
Well, I sort of, I sort of text him so rarely
that when I do, when I think that at all,
like, hey, maybe I wanna place a bet on this,
I just can't and then I do and it's like getting
insider information by a man that has been
right next to the Occaguns since the beginning of the sport.
- 100% of the bets that we've had against each other,
- That's another way of looking at it.
- But even Joe Rogan doesn't get run on every fight.
You don't hear his predictions.
He doesn't make predictions unless
you're really close with him.
-No, he says what might happen.
-No, he was wrong about Nagano and Steve made me okay.
-He said Nagano would run to him like Alistair.
-Where did he say this, Adam?
-I'm just fucking fucking--
-There's no way he said that.
-Dude, stop trying to be like-- -Steepay's one of the greatest
heavyweights of all time.
He didn't say Nagano would walk here.
[Bit 3]
Okay, also I have a new bet. Michael versus ALS. Who wins that, Tony?
ALS is gonna be breakdancing after this one.
We haven't. I'm excited to meet you.
The great Michael Loehr. Kim, where are you from?
- All right, you remind me of every girl I went to,
Junior, I went in Queens.
- Yeah, she's got Queens energy,
so she's been in New York for a few years now.
- Well, Michael, what do you think?
This is Michael's 50th appearance on Kill Tony.
[Bit 4]
I have a picture from my first appearance on this show.
- Picture from his first appearance on the show.
- There's the picture, let's see it.
That's what he looked like just 50 short weeks ago.
- I thought it was rocky at first.
[Bit 5]
- Yeah, what is that from?
How is that why do you have Robert the Builder's beard on top of your head in that picture?
What the fuck was that picture what the hell it looks like Lou Abeno or
[Bit 6]
-Wait, what? You're going to stand up?
-I thought you said, "Let me stand up real quick."
Am I the only one that heard that?
-That'd be fun if he surprised you.
-No, you don't-- -He was fine this whole time.
-No, I'm kidding, Michael.
- Oh, all right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- You know, Pong, what does I can stand?
- No, don't stand, no, don't stand.
You and your fucking pocketbook.
- You and your pocketbook.
- Yeah, now you have all this cash, man.
- Oh, yeah, that's right.
Anyway, I fucking love it.
[Bit 7]
And for my 50th Japan, it was what I did for all the fans and all these wonderful people
In all these great times I wrote 50 facts about
Keltoni and we're gonna count 50 fucking facts. Yeah
One are you guys with me?
Yeah, all right, here we go.
Indeed, I have been sent a document
that I have not looked at beforehand,
and it says, "Michael Lare, 50th appearance,
presents 50 Kill Tony facts."
- I have a feeling it's gonna feel like 100 facts.
- I have a feeling you have no fucking idea
what you're talking about.
This is going to be unbelievable, I'm positive of it.
Michael Lares, 50th appearance, presents 50 Kill Tony facts.
[Bit 8]
Kill Tony fact number one.
The original name of the Kill Tony podcast
was Manic Mondays with Mr. Moody.
[Bit 9]
Scholberg was born white but turned Mexican
after overexposure to Frogtown.
[Bit 10]
Chetzky has had six neck surgeries
because her glasses are so big and heavy.
[Bit 11]
Jeremiah Watkins real name is Jerry Jewface.
[Bit 12]
- William Montgomery hoards leftover pizza crust
[Bit 13]
- The Iron Patriot raped Michael Lare.
[Bit 14]
- David Lucas won't take photos with fans,
but will steal their sneakers.
[Bit 15]
- Ally Mokovsky doesn't have eyebrows,
[Bit 16]
- Cro McCris fucked his way through all four branches
[Bit 17]
Jeremiah Watkins' marriage is on the brink
because of his hoarding of wigs and other women's apparel.
[Bit 18]
- 35% of comics pulled from the bucket of destiny
[Bit 19]
Ryan J. E. Belt is the Zodiac Killer.
[Bit 20]
- Both Tony and Brian are married to Westworld Robots.
[Bit 21]
- Due to an overactive gland, by 2025,
Jeremiah Watkins will be eight feet tall.
[Bit 22]
Virtual red band sucked Max Headroom's dick.
[Bit 23]
- William Montgomery's belly is distended
because it's stuffed with cocaine filled condoms.
[Bit 24]
- Most of Tony and Brian's fights
are over who gets Michael Lare's load.
All right, wait a second.
[Bit 25]
In a partnership with the NAACP,
Tony is pledged to change the name of roasting to broasting.
[Bit 26]
- Jet Ski's trumpet is a civil war relic
of the Confederacy and a nonverbal not white supremacy.
[Bit 27]
Kill Tony is considering changing its name to, fuck it,
three silent hours of Tony golfing.
[Bit 28]
During Corona, Tony's been performing private concerts
for friends and family of O.J. Simpson.
[Bit 29]
- Jeremiah Watkins' marriage is on the brink
due to his obsession with having a saxophone at every side.
[Bit 30]
The comedy store keeps having to buy bigger chairs because of the alarming growth of West
[Bit 31]
Red Band is known as the Podfather, but he's also fathered enough Asian babies to form
an Olympic ping-pong team.
[Bit 32]
Joel Berg lost his hair because of former Kill Tony sponsor Monster Energy Shampoo.
[Bit 33]
26, the bucket of destiny was both stolen from
[Bit 34]
- There's only one rule at the comedy store,
don't talk shit about Robo-comedy.
He lives above the place.
[Bit 35]
William Montgomery has a six foot tall Jenga game
made out of leftover Vito's pizza crust.
[Bit 36]
29 the kiltoni katana sword was stolen from the grave of a world war two pow
[Bit 37]
30 30 comes after 29
[Bit 38]
Thanks to kiltoni legend manolo kiltoni is the number one podcast among mexican narcos
[Bit 39]
Many bucket comics live in their cars several live in afro dities afro
[Bit 40]
Jeremiah walk-ins marriage is on the brink because his wife just wants to get crunked and kiss the sky mother
[Bit 41]
- Virtual Red Man has warrants out
for its arrest in four states.
- And one of the 35 is bad.
[Bit 42]
- All right, as irony would have it,
the cure for ALS was also in the bucket.
the night Michael Lair's name was pulled.
[Bit 43]
35, Tony has settled $2 million worth harassment lawsuits
with 17 different Kill Tony photographers.
[Bit 44]
- William Montgomery was fired from the storage facility
for filling storage units with leftover Vito's pizza crust.
[Bit 45]
- Joel Berg operates the drum pedal
with his anaconda of a cock.
David Lucas and Michael Lair help push out each other's
[Bit 46]
Seriously, be cool and act natural, but Ryan J. E-Belt really is the Zodiac Killer.
[Bit 47]
Number 40, the secret puppet master behind the scenes of all podcasts is Gino from Speedweed,
an evil tyrant controlling people with drugs.
[Bit 48]
41, kill Tony has only been allowed to continue during Corona because the audio is so bad it doesn't count as entertainment.
[Bit 49]
42, David Deere is missing. Why are we not looking for him?
[Bit 50]
Tony here's 43 Tony has been saved from assassination three times. Thanks to the impenetrable Ridge wallet
[Bit 51]
That is absolutely true. The only way to have your name removed from the wall of the comedy store is a class B felony or higher
Alright that one hits close to home
[Bit 52]
Kill Tony fun fact kill Tony's fan base is mostly mentally ill fathers and whores with daddy issues
Oh boy, wow, way to really connect with the lovers of the show, Michael.
[Bit 53]
Despite appearances, no actual homosexuals are part of the Kill Tony ensemble.
That is a real, that's a true fun fact.
[Bit 54]
Karl McCris was born a brunette but turned ginger due to Agent Orange.
[Bit 55]
Number 48, virtual red band is facing some alarming allegations from Hello Kitty.
[Bit 56]
Number 49 if the world talked to Michael layer like the world talks to Brian red band Michael layer would shoot up all the schools
[Bit 57]
number 50 for episode 500 of Kill Tony Gareth purse house returns to tell his side of the story it could happen it
