[Bit 1]
How's it going? My name is William Montgomery and I'm running for county alderman.
It's been a long time coming, but I can pinpoint the day I realized I wanted to be a politician.
We had this mud pit in the backyard and since I was the youngest, my parents would make me get in the mud pit before everyone else to scare away the snakes.
One day I had gotten into the mud pit
to scare away the snakes,
and a big water moccasin slithered right up to me.
I was terrified, it was right in front of my face,
and my dad yells, "Get the hell out of its way,
But I just stood there, stone face,
and I made a promise to the snake that day.
And you know what that snake did?
Old Stone Face, that's my nickname ever since.
[Bit 2]
Old Stone Face, and if I'm elected to county alderman,
I will stare down every snake, every frog,
and every lizard in our great community.
All right, I've got some policies I'd like to go over.
[Bit 3]
Have you all been able to figure this out yet?
Is it Santa or your parents?
I have to try and figure out every December 25th.
[Bit 4]
And if we're on the subject of Christmas,
am I the only one totally shocked
we still see Frosty the Snowman on television
Let me see if I've got this right.
A group of kids finds a magical top hat
and puts on a snowman causing the snowman to reanimate.
Wait, where am I right now?
Hell or the Twilight Zone?
Get Frosty the Snowman off my TV!
We're in America, not the North Pole!
If I'm elected County Aldermen, there will be no mention of Frosty the Snowman after 2024!
Okay, I've got like 15 more of these Tony, okay.
[Bit 5]
If we're on the topic of holidays, my policy regarding Halloween is pretty straightforward.
Growing up, you know the one day I couldn't go outside, Tony?
I was the youngest, so my mom wouldn't let me go out with my brothers, and more importantly,
I wasn't trying to walk around outside with a bunch of demons and vampires.
If I'm elected, County Aldermen, you can rest assured we're getting rid of Halloween once
and for all. Enough beating around the bush on this issue. I mean where am I
America are the gates to hell.
[Bit 6]
Speaking of giving our political prisoners back, hey Germany I'm looking
at you. Tony do you know how many American prisoners of war we still have
over in Germany since our involvement in World War II? I don't know either I was
asking you. Okay let's go into the next policy. Okay ma'am I'm gonna ask you this
[Bit 7]
what do you think is currently the biggest issue facing our community?
What's the biggest issue facing our community? You're right it is that we
still have elementary schools to stop at the sixth grade. If I'm elected county
Alderman elementary schools will stop at the 12th grade.
- I think we should hear all of them.
- I'm ready for County fucking Alderman!
In Louis J, just for the record, I do like Puerto Ricans.
When was the last time you heard about a Japanese person
Well, the final act of County Aldermen,
every new home in our community will be pre-installed
with traditional Japanese short leg tables.
Studies have shown that by sitting down to Eden,
Japanese manner it strengthens our back. By 2024 I went all newly built home
houses to have the Chabudai pre-installed. That's the name of the table it's called
a Chabudai in case y'all didn't realize the little Japanese tables are called
Chabudais. If you ask my opponent about all this you know what he'll tell you
Tony that he doesn't like Japanese people I think we're trying to move
forward sir not backwards just because his wife cheated on him with the
Japanese guy doesn't give my opponent the right to take his hate speech out of
the Internet forums and into our community okay let's get to the next one
yeah there's more is it a good is it a better one than the last one I don't
I don't know, we'll see, they've all been pretty screwy.
And Tony, if we're talking about hate speech
in the internet forums, you know what?
Let's keep it in the internet forums.
My opponent actually is the administrator for a forum.
You know what they talk about in the forum he runs, Tony?
You know what they say about Japanese people, Tony?
that they don't take as big of creative risks
- Know that a lot of Japanese people these days
don't use the traditional short leg tables anymore,
which is a patently false statement
because I live with a Japanese person
and we eat at the chapudai every night.
- Okay, that's the end of my policy day.
