Hello. I'm token disabled comedian Michael Lehrer.
[Bit 1]
I wanted to take a week off of talking, so I could get wicked crunked and try new street drugs.
[Bit 2]
So instead of my Minitan interview, myself, William Montgomery, and Jack the Ripper as the narrator, will perform an adaptation of "The Miracle Worker," the story of OG original cripple, Helen Keller. Now, the curtain rises.
[Bit 3]
Across the pond from old London town in the year the 1800s there was a town in Alabama
named Robert Dustin where a blind deaf mute named Ellen Keller terrorized her family.
Helpless Keller's family called for child crisis manager Annie Sullivan.
Hi, I'm Annie Sullivan and I'm here to make Helen Keller chill the fuck out.
What did you say to me, you little bitch?
[Bit 4]
Annie continued to terrorize her family, blowing blunt smoke and baby faces,
putting empty, sunny decontainers back in the fridge.
[Bit 5]
Annie wasn't about to get punked by a little blind kid, so she had an idea.
The Keller family spoils Helen Keller.
You let her eat mashed potatoes with her hands?
Drink as many Capri's sons as she wants?
I'm taking her to the Kmart parking lot
and we're not going back until we're flipping
[Bit 6]
- Annie was determined to make Helen strong.
Not just with anabolic steroids, but with resolve.
[Bit 7]
She also began to teach Helen to say the alphabet
- Spell it with your fingers.
PBR now crawl to the fridge you bratty fuck and give me a tall boy
What'd you just fucking say
Hit me again hit me again
[Bit 8]
I'm sorry Helena. I grew up in an insane asylum surrounded by mutants like you
We played with rats because we didn't have toys. That's why I want to help you you ungrateful fuck
I'll make you strong, strong enough to flopunde elantras.
While I drag the ripper, kill homeless people on London, never to be caught,
and he persevered the May Allen.
Shut the fuck out of that right!
[Bit 9]
That's it, it's ALS.
Good job, Helen. But you're never gonna have to need to know those letters.
That's it, I warned you. Here comes the taser.
There's a mouse in there.
While Interpol blindly chased me through the canals of London Town
[Bit 11]
and Robert Dawson, Alabama, Annie Sullivan taught Helen to recognize objects by touch.
[Bit 12]
But Helen learned far more than to recognize tits.
Where's your water bottle?
William, you're blocking the light on Helen.
[Bit 13]
This is called water.
[Bit 14]
Once Helen recognized water, the sky was the limit. She started naming everything
she touched. Cock, balls. No, that was actually Michael's line. I actually saw
Michael's penis last week. That's not a part of the scrub. Annie did a
triple-a job of fixing Ellen, but knew also it was time to leave the callous.
[Bit 15]
Man, it's so bittersweet helping rich white people all of you Kellers are so awful
But you pay so good. I've fixed your little bitch Helen Keller that deaf dumb and blind kids
You're plays a mean pinball
[Bit 16]
So I must go I'll miss your comfortable home and comfortable by slaves
But that is no matter until 2020. I fix that little bitch Helen Keller, so she shouldn't be an asshole anymore
[Bit 17]
more. Annie Sullivan then left the Kellas to where? Who knows? Annie half blind? I
think we all learned a valuable lesson. The miracle worker is sadistic as fuck.
[Bit 18]
Annie Sullivan will be in jail today. Also the Kellas were wealthy slave
owners. Old-ass plays suck in so many ways but the miracle worker you truly
are the worst. But don't take it from me. I've killed an unknown amount of people
150 years ago and was never caught. Thank you for supporting live theater.
