[Bit 1]
I just wanted to fit in with the rest of the retards
I don't have a lot of time so listen, listen, listen, listen, listen well.
Red band Tony, your bathroom is not the bathroom.
He's in the bathroom playing the fucking piano.
Your residency is over, bitch.
Get the fuck out of here.
"Pete after me, put it on the screen."
"It's not your fucking house!"
"Brenda and Eddie can fuck themselves!"
[Bit 3]
How much you wanna bet all the handicap parking spaces
[Bit 4]
Do you know when you flush the toilet in New York, it goes straight to New Jersey and they drink it?
And when they're done with it, it goes to Philadelphia and they bottle it and sell it to California.
[Bit 5]
Texas is shipping so many illegal aliens to New York City that the Yankee Stadium has a green card night.
Oh, you don't think that's funny, you fucking asshole?
Did it go over your fucking head?
[Bit 6]
I went to see that movie Oppenheimer.
Can't these fags in Hollywood tell a story in an hour and a half?
fucking hours I'm waiting for them to drop those bombs on those flat-faced
jets. What are you gonna drop those bombs on those flat-faced fucking jets? You
woke fuckers, you ruined, you can't even make a war movie now.
[Bit 7]
So everybody's gonna say it at once,
Everybody, make believe on Billy Joel and sing along.
Billy Joel could kill somebody on Fifth Avenue
and you'd still buy Billy Joel tickets.
You know how many ushers have quit
because of Billy Joel being here for fucking 10 years.
Police officers are retiring
'cause they don't wanna work the fucking show.
There was a guy, he was an usher,
he went home and he heard a Billy Joel song on the radio
and he drove his fucking car off the bridge.
[Bit 8]
How much do you like Billy Joel?
You don't even jack off when you sweat.
[Bit 9]
Do we really need women's basketball?
Some flat ass skinny fucking bitch throwing a fucking basketball.
It's like buying an air freshener for a convertible.
What do you do after you see a women's basketball game?
Go in the parking lot and kill yourself?
Women's basketball give me a break
Why'd you learn how to cook first bitch?
Why do you want to do men shit? Why do you want to do men shit?
I'm not used to somebody liking what I have to say.
[Bit 10]
All you gotta do in life is mind your own business,
your own family's business.
Be full of love and gratitude and mind your own business.
I give abortions in my garage on the weekend.
That's not your business!
I'm getting better at it.
If you see that kid coming off the bus with the coat hanger hanging out of his sleeve,
[Bit 11]
Yeah women shouldn't be doing sports.
It's like that bitch who was driving the race car.
"Dacety-bat-packety-bat-pack?"
Every time she got in a race, there was a fucking accident, that bitch.
110 pounds driving a big, big engine.
[Bit 12]
My sister never travels.
My sister Terry is here, Teresa.
She was watching the Olympics,
and she saw that guy with the big hog.
Now she wants to go to France and suck his dick.
I don't know why this is so low.
I told him I needed it higher.
I don't know how to do anything with my hands.
I don't wanna fucking touch it.
[Bit 13]
You want to see my impression?
This is my impression of Robin Williams.
Yeah, that's for the real comedy aficionados.
[Bit 14]
My impression of Bob Saget.
What did you expect at a Kill Tony show, you motherfuckers?
Shut down, you motherfucker!
It's kind of hard to concentrate on what you want to say with this, you know?
[Bit 15]
I am so sick and tired of recycling.
You're not gonna save the fucking blue planet.
Just throw it the fuck away.
How are you going to stop cows from farting?
As I say, the temperature is rising in the ocean.
What do you want me to do?
Go down to 7-11 and buy ice?
What are you telling me this for?
I don't have an oil company.
The water level is running.
