Collin Sledge on Kill Tony

You know, so God gave us two ears and one mouth 'cause we're supposed to listen twice as much as we talk.

But he also gave us ten fingers, so we're supposed to be finger-blasting like all the time.

I found out women are supposed to pee after sex to prevent a UTI every time, but I always tell them,

just to be safe, you should pee during sex.

So I'm into that, hell yeah.

and this guy in the green one was going on like, "You know, when I'm on stage, man, that's the real me." And then he went up and did seven minutes of rape jokes.

It was me.

I've been working on my Tony impression. Unbelievable. Incredible.

Who's ready for the best fucking blowjob of their lives?

I need a paralegal,

a pair of legal titties to suck on.

My girlfriend thinks the godfather is too long, But her story about when her coworker was bitchy to her two years ago is...

the perfect length.

My dad used to tell me, "It's important to remember that girls are more afraid of you than you are of them." And I said, "Why?"

He said, "You're creepy, they don't like you."

I'm gonna be alone for a long time.

when I was growing up, you know? Like one time my parents found this girl's panties in my bedroom, and my dad confirmed, he's like,

So you think you're a girl, huh?

I'm on hinge. This girl on hinge said, "Don't even bother messaging me if you're not in therapy."

So I said, "Not only am I in therapy, it is court ordered."

I'm not even allowed to own a gun in most states, but God bless Texas.

I tried dating a black girl for the first time. I wanted her to like me, you know, but I guess we just weren't like super compatible. I remember she asked me like, "Do you even know what the G-spot is?"

I was like, "That's where the gangsters be hanging out, shit!"

I'll be calling it the OG spot. No, I mean, okay. Thank you. Bye-bye.

I've never been able to coast on the way I look, you know? I was never that hot, but I'm interesting, you know? I can make girls think.

I make girls think stuff like, "Hey, is that guy following me?"

First thing she said was, "Just so you know, I have pepper spray in my purse." It's like, "Just so you know,

you shouldn't tell me where it is."

And when that happens, apparently you're supposed to say, I'm sorry, they only allow one person at a time in the fitting rooms.

But what I said was, oh yeah.

And my head was really quiet, you know,

but they said I shouted it.

"just tell me what to say." And she was like, "Just make me feel like a slut." I was like, "You're such a slut,

"you're having sex with me."