Allie Mccoskey on Kill Tony

When I was little, I thought that Special Victims Unit was like, "We're victims, but we're special."

Turns out, not so special.

My new safe word is in a criminal justice system.

Like, "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam."

Oh, these acts are especially heinous.

I was terrified. I screamed at the top of my lungs. And my dad from downstairs says, "What's wrong?"

I was like, "It's spiders."

Now whenever I see spiders, I just get all horned up.

I can't watch any of the Spiderman movies.

I'm like, "Spiderweb's on my face, please."

So next week we'll be all about money and how I need more of it.

If anyone wants to Venmo me, I will follow back.

good at singing. They can just hit that note. I grew up with my friend and we would always go to black church and they can just, they just hit it. You know, it's in them. It's the spirit. I just wish that they would use it outside of church. I want to hear, I want

I hear a woman at Chipotle being like, extra guac.

but she said that the dog ran away. And it's hard to admit this, because I love my mom, and she's very supportive, so it's hard to be mean,

but she's just not emotionally supportive.

before going to bed, and I think it desensitized me to sexual assault. At this point, I don't even say yes to sex.

Sometimes I just say, "Chung Chung."

would rather be deaf or blind I think blind is not the way to go I'd rather be deaf. People say that love is blind and I think that just ugly people think that

when they've made a mistake.

but one time I had a deaf Uber driver who was using his hands way too much, really chatty with the hands.

And I was like, how do I say 10 and two in sign language?

I also didn't really understand the concept of veganism. I remember I was in middle school at this time in my life, and I ordered a chicken wrap, and the lady was like,

"This has lettuce in it," and I was like, "Wow, I think I'm vegan now."

I feel like I eat pretty bad. I feel like I've been gaining weight recently,

Which is pretty scary because I don't think I'm ready to rely on my personality.

and I told her I don't feel very funny. And she said, "Why don't you just talk "about all the childhood trauma?"

And I was like, "That's all about you though."

Childhood trauma doesn't strike me as funny. I remember weird things from my childhood. Like if I said something smelled,

my sisters would tell me it was my upper lip.

And I didn't know what they meant by that,

but they were pretty much just telling me

I tweeted that, the guy I'm fucking saw the tweet and he was like, "Hey, we should just be friends. I don't want to be a dick, but I can't believe I'm just the guy you're fucking.

I was like, "What else are you?"

You're not even the guy who buys me McDonald's.

I always fake orgasms because I don't know when else sex is supposed to stop.

I was gonna talk about my pussy yet again, but my mom is here with me, so I've decided

Not to talk about that, which is probably a bummer for you guys.

baby niece or whatever she is. And she was so cute. You know, she has her dad's eyes, her mom's face.

And I'm just wondering, like, do I have my mom's pussy or my dad's?

It's not something you can really ask or find out, you know.

I'm like, "Mom, does yours hang a little to the left too?"

But he rented it out to his friend from the cigar shop he goes to. And this guy, his name's John, he has a long beard,

no family, in his 50s, and he loves Disneyland.

My dad put down, okay. My dad, he put down our dog. It was pretty sad because it's the first time

that I've ever had my butt hole licked.