Kim Congdon on Kill Tony

And I really wanted to take this opportunity tonight to do something that every Puerto Rican wants to do right now.

-Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

my white slaves are holding some Puerto Rican flags. Those are Puerto Rican flags, people. They look different. They do.

They have one star, just like Tony's first Netflix special.

I got back together with him after that, yeah.

Yeah, that's Tower 2.

I do worry that he's too manly, my new boyfriend, but it's fine, he's moving to LA with me,

so he'll be trans in a week.

God, I'm so nervous.

And I don't do that much stand up, and I'm a virgin.

Those are the real red bottoms.

I'm good friends with who very openly has a girlfriend just hit on me. He asked me out And I'm like dude. I know you're like I know you have a girlfriend And it's like it's so weird because I'm like

You know that's so disgusting. You're not even rich

You're not even the right guy to cheat on his girlfriend I

Which is really good for our relationship 'cause now I always know when he's lying. I'll be like, "Were you texting that girl last night?"

And he goes, "Fuck yeah.

I'm not a porn star.

I'm a comedian, which is pretty close.

I've never done a black show, but I've heard they're much

bigger.

I just have to, this guy in the crowd that reminds me, you remind me so much of my dad. It's insane.

Yeah, I only say that 'cause I don't know you either.

A lot of things remind me of my dad, you know, like a snow leopard, 'cause I've only seen those

through a couple of pictures.

And my mom said he loved cocaine.

I think I'm bad at forcing guys to be my boyfriend. I'm not really good at it, 'cause in the one instance that I do like someone,

I accidentally suck his dick too soon.

You ever do that?

I don't know why I do it.

So I have abandonment issues, and I decided to go online and seek therapy for it,

but the web page was unavailable.

That was a stab at the heart.

And then my computer packed itself up and got a new family.

It's like he'd come in my room like, "Clean this shit up! This is a huge mess!"

And I'm like, "Oh Jesus, calm down, Shelby."

"Did you lose your bobby pins?"

"Shelby."

He hated being a stepdad. It was weird, 'cause it's like, this is no surprise, we've been here.

This is like a choose-your-own-adventure, dude.

You pick this.

I recently got a membership at 24 Hour Fitness. There's two of them in Hollywood. There's a gay gym and there's a straight gym.

And I'm working out at the gay gym until I'm sexy enough for the straight gym.

I like working out with the lesbians.

My fingers are getting really strong.

He finally broke down and we spooned.

And I figured out that utensils are really not my thing.

'cause he says that I'm mean. He's like, every time I see you, you look so mean. And I'm like, I'm not mean,

I'm just really, really, really high.