Ahren Belisle on Kill Tony

So there's a serial killer in Austin, Texas that has been killing a bunch of people at Lady Bird Lake.

I have a big secret. It was me.

And I tried to turn myself in and tell them it was me.

And they were like, "No, you're not. Stop playing."

People always underestimate me.

I could totally drown a dude in a lake.

Who wants to see me do some crowd work?

Well I can't talk so you're not fucking gonna.

What about you? What's your name?

Hello, insert name here, what do you do for work?

and I don't get it. You can get pet insurance for like $80 a month and it covers 90%.

You save like $6,000 a year to be a fucking chihuahua.

Maybe those teenagers with litter boxes in school are fucking genius. People already talk to me loud and cute. They pat my head.

I'm gonna get pet insurance and identify as a fucking dog.

It's not too late to have the first female president. We could have the best one.

Trump could transition.

Now I can grab my very own pussy.

Quite frankly, I have the best pussy.

I have pictures. She's a lunatic. I don't even have money.

I'm just a middle-class retarded guy like you.

Drake puts hot sauce in his condoms and ties them up so this doesn't happen, but I can't tie and not so next time

I'm using fucking lighter fluid.

- My gender reveal party when my phone updated in 2022

was a banger.

I've always been able to go in the wrong bathroom. Nobody says anything.

They just look around for my mom.

I've wanted to be able to say something for a long time, and now I can.

No, I'm not the father.

My niggas.

I still run slow as fuck.

Fooled ya.

I still run slow as fuck.

I was in a taxi one time and he pulled over to tell me that he once cured an ear infection by praying. He says he can cure me since cerebral palsy

and ear infections are exactly the same.

This poor broken man was so sad. I actually needed to apologize to him

for still being disabled.

It's okay, buddy.

It's okay.

Before I started performing I was the only mute person I knew but now I've got all these fucking mute people coming to my shows.

Every time they laugh it sounds like mating season in the Arctic.

I've been forced to demand all wheelchair ramps be removed from my shows. I don't need any more walrus fuck sounds from the darkness.

If this keeps up, I'm gonna bring in the Alaskan Seal Clubber Association for crowd control.

These people are crazy man.

People come up to me and start gesturing at me, yelling real slow like, "Hello, can I pet your dog?" And I'm like, "Oh my, are you okay?

Are you having a fucking stroke?"

Someone come help.

Call 911.

I mean, I guess I could. I sound a lot like someone who was having a stroke.

But I still sound less like an idiot than you do.