Jack Shaw on Kill Tony

-Ever since getting on this show, I have never been called autistic more in my entire life. And when I say autistic, they're saying retarded a lot.

And when I say they, I mean my dad.

This guy -- He won't stop saying it!

And I'm just Jewish, man. I'm just Jewish, man. I'm just fucking... I mean, I'm so Jewish.

I have family on both Epstein and Schindler's list, dude.

I don't support bombing hospitals." And I was like, "Yo, that's not me. I'm not doing that. I have no part in that.

If I did have a drone, I'd bomb the homeless people."

That's--I mean, talk about making unwanted settlements.

That's what I'm talking about.

I got this app, and if you don't know what it is, it's an app that tells you the subscriptions that you have. Well, I got the app, it turns out,

I have two Rocket Money subscriptions.

And that should be illegal. No one should ever have road head, ever. It's the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me.

And if you think texting and driving is dangerous, try getting your dick sucked while driving.

It is horrifying. And if you ever are offering someone road head, don't offer them road head because we can't say no to that.

It's like offering a coke addict cocaine.

It's like, yeah, of course I want the blow.

And that's a pun.

"I like trans people, dude. I get it. I want a new dick too, man.

I hate my dick, dude.

I went to a drag show for the first time. Oh, my God, it was amazing, dude. I saw a lady put her foot in her butthole.

I didn't even know that was an option.

So I went to the gun range for the first time, Now I want a fucking gun, guys. It was so much fun.

I get why kids bring them to school, dude.

Why would anyone want a gun? No guns. And then I picked up a gun.

And I was like, Nancy Pelosi is a bitch.

who gets the shit kicked out of him. And I don't know if you know how acting works, but a casting director saw my face and said,

"This kid is perfect to have the shit kicked out of him."

And then my favorite audition I got was for "Creepy '80s Porn Projectionist,"

which I fucking nailed.

- Oh shit, time for the Jewish portion of the show guys.

Lock the door, gas the room, let's have a good time, okay?

No pun intended, man.

Because that's a field.

because I went to performing arts school. I drive a fucking Fiat, and I was recently told that I look like

what a white girl transitions to.

I was driving my Fiat in the fast lane the other day.

It was a big fucking day for me.

Does... Does anyone do that? No, it's this thing I love to do,

but it seems to make me angry.

I think the reason that I don't, that I get so angry is because I don't like what my penis looks like.

It looks a little bit like Mitch McConnell, a little bit.

Recently, a homeless man called me a bitch.

How did he know that about me?

and I smiled because I was afraid and then the homeless man stood up from the wheelchair. I couldn't believe it.

It was a fucking miracle.