Drew Nickens on Kill Tony

Unlike the last guy, I just had sex for the first time in 18 months.

She had a mullet.

And I don't think I was her first special needs body.

I was fucking jazzed, because I knew exactly what to throw on.

Eddie Guerrero versus Ray Mysterio.

Halloween Havoc 97. Am I right, ladies?

And it was really scary 'cause I had to pick myself up. So I picked myself up, I picked up that tooth, and I put that bitch right under my pillow

for the tooth fairy, am I right?

And it was $2 under my pillow the next day.

She knew I had a head injury before I did

'cause there was a Chris Minwoll action figure

on the side of my bed with a fucking,

And he's a kooky guy. I was scrolling through Facebook. I got a group recommend that said sexy superheroes.

And my dad was a member.

He goes, I love-- I'm Batman.

I love solving crime, unless they're stairs.

Like, why can't you be trans, dad?

- Me and my boys like to watch special Olympic highlights

to feel better about ourselves.

sir, you will be looked at as a predator, as someone who's taken advantage of someone, and you need to do better. If I have sex with a special needs girl--

Oh, Drew finally fell in love.

And I deserve to be canceled because I drive a car

and I pay my bills.

His name was Jesse, he was an all state athlete, but he was wild. He was a combination of Antonio Brown and Kanye West

with a sprinkle of Seth Curry.

Yeah, he didn't identify as male or female for a week.

He reminded me of an outside cat because he

would disappear for four days.

We wouldn't hear a peep from him.

But then he'd come back like nothing happened.

They're actually doing a tour across the US, 18 and up. And I'm so excited, 'cause I'll be able to see my favorite music group

and not be put on a registry!

But don't worry, I'll be safe.

'Cause I'm gonna wear a helmet to the mosh pit!

I mean, I stopped watching porn for three months because I was so deep in the research.

You ever been so ugly that people can't believe that you're a biological woman?

Stepdad energy? Where you raise a kid, they become a pro athlete?

Then their father comes out in real life?

I think I have more like specialty jungle energy.

Hold the pedophilia.

And some are good and healthy for me, some are dangerous and toxic, but they make me feel so alive. They all want me to, they love my energy, they even want to be with me, they'll do whatever it takes. They'll even pay me.

I mean these energy drink companies are really thirsty for me, man. Thirsty as hell.

And they all want to recruit me like I'm the next Billy Mays.

But wait, there's more!

She said, "No, Drew, I'm worried about your heart. It's going to explode."

That's when I shotgun an energy drink and then I block that bitch.

But I am worried about finding a woman who wants to peg me.

Because God damn it, I forget shit all the time.

I forget she has a gag reflex.

I forget to do the dishes, take out the trash.

Oh man, and then she's gonna be getting me and there's gonna be some cracking sounds

and then I'm gonna talk like Finding Nemo, Dory.