Vanessa Johnston on Kill Tony

birth of Jesus and then everyone sings Silent Night because it makes absolutely no sense. Dude, like this bitch is having a baby in a barn full of noisy animals with a virgin type pussy.

That's the least silent night ever.

It's more like bloody night.

Back then, that was like so old, you know? People didn't even start taking Jesus seriously until he was like 31. They're like, man, this dude might be the son of God.

No one's lived past 30.

So I tried to be like extra nicer. I was like, "Hey, I like your blue eyeshadow." She was like, "This is an eyeshadow."

My boyfriend beats me.

I was like, "Oh, well, it looks great.

It's very even.

But the foundation's like, "What's a 12-year-old kid going to do with $500 million?" He's going to be dead by next week.

Wish denied.

man, this horse sucks at flying. She should just do porn. I was like, wow, that's what happens in your town,

doesn't have a Planned Parenthood.

For example, the first computer software and Wi-Fi were both invented by women. The first paper bag was also invented by a woman.

That one's less surprising because she was ugly.

I think pedestrians have too many rights, man. Right? Like, they should not have the right of way.

I'm the one driving a tank. Fuck you.

The other day I sideswiped a pedestrian to teach him who's boss.

It's really hard decorating an evil lair, making it inviting, yet terrifying.

I like pastels.

Our country's so divided. We need to just stop and love each other, right? Like, yeah.

This is why we aren't fucking fixed.

I don't know, I mean like Nazis were insane, right? Like they turned Jews into soap, that's crazy. Why would you make soap out of a group of people

who you think are dirty?

Trump isn't going to turn Mexicans into soap.

They're better at cleaning alive.

The other day, this girl just walked up to him and started hitting on him. I was like, wow, who does this bitch think she is?

Me?

Like, fuck this girl.

Then I found out that this girl had been molested as a kid.

I was like, I can't compete with that.

Sour cream and onion only works for chips, not dicks.

That's what I've learned.

Dude, everyone eats onions. Like, how did that happen?

They taste like piss in broken childhood dreams.

And they're everywhere.

who little John is. Having to explain to him and go, "Well, honey, sometimes you have to get low and then someone

skeets in you and that's how accidents happen."

in the club in the bathroom or in the comedy club.

It's weird that it's illegal to use handicap parking spaces, but it's not illegal to use handicap bathroom stalls. Way more illegal activity has happened in a handicap bathroom stall

than has ever happened in a handicap parking space.

I never know how to start this, you know, like, cause a lot of comics, they start their set by going, Oh, there's a lot of good looking people here, But you can't say that in Los Angeles because when you say there's a lot of good looking

people here, everyone in the crowd's like, "We know."

Doesn't work.

I'm more impressed if I meet someone from like Struggle Bus, Arkansas, you know? Where the population is 50 and 49 of them are cows. You're like, you're the guy from Struggle Bus, like, oh my god, so nice to meet you.

Why do you smell like pine flavored cheese?