Melissa Esslinger on Kill Tony

where it would encourage people to be kind to people. I was gonna call it Killing Them With Kindness, but then I realized it was just one K word away

from being a really bad racist organization.

So I didn't do that.

Bipolar is weird.

It's like getting a box of chocolates every day.

You never know what you're gonna get.

when you, I'm still going, I just chose,

I chose finger paint.

You know those desk birds that are like, I don't understand, they're like,

Oh shit, I'm still thirsty.

Fuck, what was I going to do?

Oh yeah, drink more water.

Everybody's doing it. Getting 14 year old girls are like right around the corner from getting, you know, like abducted because you're like, yeah, man, I got a rat attack!

And then you're in a van.

walking around and this isn't a joke so I'm going to get to this. It's not that my kind acts are insincere, it's just that I tend to like pre-major ejaculate from a...

I forgot the word that I made up. I made up a word for that.

It's a terrible look. Okay.

No, um, fuck. Balls. No, I'm not ending there. I can get... I mean, Jesus.

And I get pissed off 'cause I'm like, why does this fire hydrant need two spaces the size of a truck?

Well, a truck, a fire truck, I guess, would go there.

But you don't need the whole space to get a hose to a fire hydrant.

I just don't understand why it's got to be like that and then cost $73.

Every time I park somewhere, the red pisses me off and I used to look at fire hydrants and think of like Dalmatian puppies with hats on. And now I immediately think parking tickets

and that sucks, ruin my coloring books.

If I were a cartoon character, I would be the nervous turtle from "Rocko's Modern Life."

My doctor once told me that I had oppositional defiance disorder.

I demanded a second opinion.

I was born a Jedi, but my lightsaber was powered by

generic batteries.

But when my lightsaber doesn't work, I just put a helmet on. Because anybody wearing a helmet that's 26 years old,

nobody's going to fuck with you.

I don't think there's one evil person in the world

that wouldn't back off from a helmet on an adult.

The stage is taller, but I feel smaller right now. But my dad always told me to be a mover and a shaker,

so I got half of that going.

I like check every time I go to the doctor, I check like when they still measure height and I check for that three quarters of an inch.

Make sure it's still there.

It means a lot to me.

I just, it means that much to me.

It's a natural bridge cliff. Anyway, I was chasing a lizard And apparently, lizards can climb on the sides of things, but people can't.

But I was wearing overalls, so my dad grabbed them, and that day, Oshkosh saved my life.

I wish that I fell off of it right now, but that's all I got.

so I would just start back at 20, and 28, 29, 20, so my mom was never worried that I would be kidnapped ever,

'cause they would definitely bring me back.

it starts to sound weird. I found that out with Garfield. It was like, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield.

Gar- Whoa. Whoa.