Ali Macofsky on Kill Tony

Which does affect my speaking voice. It does. I didn't think it did, but when I started doing comedy, A lot of people told me that I had a weird voice, and I do.

I sound like I'm doing guided meditation for heroin addicts.

My dad is smoking five hours worth of cigars a day. One cigar, eight inches long. My dad is smoking 40 inches of cigar a day.

My dad is smoking the length of a modest couch in cigar.

Hi, I guess I look like porn stars now because of my haircut. People keep sending me screenshots of different porn stars with the same haircut as me which

is weird because I know exactly when they're jacking off.

But the worst part is that they act like they've never seen a dick before. Like this one is about to change their life. Like what do I do with it?

I'm like do what you did in the last 20 films.

They were like, yeah, we actually just hired someone to cover all of your shifts. I was like, so does that mean I'm fired?

She was like, yeah, I guess so.

I shave my head and I feel like it makes everything I do seem way more intense. Like, I could just be walking a dog,

and someone will be like, she's training that dog to fight.

And it's just a poodle.

>> People think I'm high all the time because I talk slow.

I-- Last time someone told me to calm down was 2013.

I feel like if I did shit my pants high, I would be like super chill about it.

I just feel like, "I think it smells like someone shit their pants."

It definitely wasn't me.

Thank you. Thanks. I keep getting friendzoned by my haircut.

just decided to stop me by grabbing my tits. And at first I was like, you know, it was a mistake. He was just in my way.

And then I realized I wasn't even moving.

I just recently bought a 2003 Subaru Outback. So I'm just leaning into the look. All I need is a pair of cargo shorts

and I am, you know, full-less.

My mom does the same thing. My mom hoars us out. She'll show all of her friends' pictures of my sisters and I

to all of her friends who are just the employees of Verizon.

I don't know why I wasn't writing guys notes like hey do you like me nothing like that

and I don't think anyone would appreciate a nicely written suicide note.

No one's gonna look at that and be like wow such a loss but look at that penmanship.

I had a guy come over and I was like, "Hey, I hope you're cool with this. I really like role-playing." He's like, "Yeah, whatever you want."

I was like, "Okay, you're my chiropractor."

And I need an adjustment.

When I was little, I was afraid of the dark and so I would sleep in my dad's room, But my dad would always put a pillow between us.

Did he think that there was sexual tension?

Maybe I was leading him on, though. I would always ask him to take me out to dinner.

and he would always pay, so maybe he was expecting something.

and I don't know what to do because he hasn't done anything, but I just know it's coming. There's no self-defense classes I can take

I can take for a future psycho.

There is no end to that joke, but if you do know my friend,

he probably will kill you in a couple years.

And I had another friend say, "I didn't know he was Armenian." And I was like, "Yeah, come on, that's common to be named after where you're from."

I know two Jews named Jew.

I mean, that's definitely not their name, but it is what I call them.

You don't know what you're gonna look like underneath it all. And I'm so glad I look hot, because relying on my

personality is exhausting.

much attention as I wanted so then I would like judge the other worship leaders and I would be like I'm better at singing than these people and then I was like Ali what are you doing you're at church you can't judge these people

you're better than that and you're better than them there you go Ali