Hans Kim on Kill Tony

I've never been walking down a dark alley and heard the voice behind me be like, "Give me your money."

It's usually some form of Ebonics.

The language of robberies.

Yeah, I recently saw a black guy gardening.

I was like, "Dude, you don't have to do that anymore."

You can do larceny and retail theft as well now.

There's a lot of ice on the road and not just the good kind. Not just the brave men and women who are trying to make sure these sexy Latinas don't suck her cocks.

But the bad kind that enters your home without a warrant.

for the three-gun competition right now. That's where you shoot a pistol, a rifle, and a shotgun in under three minutes,

just in case I get carjacked at an Antifa rally.

And a flock of quail fly by.

Hey, I like how Texans will make fun of liberal cities, but when they jerk off

they set their VPN to California.

That's gay as fuck, bro.

Not on me. Somewhere in the room. I don't even leave my door unlocked anymore

'cause I wanna use it.

Gonna be here. I just got back from Asia, if you couldn't tell.

Konichiwa.

I met a guy from Lebanon recently, I didn't know that was a place,

I thought it was QAnon for lesbians.

And I am Asian, or as I'm known in Texas, I'm Chinese.

So there will be 145% tariff added to your bill tonight.

Love seeing Trump do optional side quests for no reason.

It's like watching a cat play Oregon Trail.

I'm glad the election is over. That shit was horrible. Now the -- now the only campaign I have to worry about

is trying to understand what Cam Patterson is saying to me.

You know, I can't wait for the grocery store prices as soon as we're done kicking out all the people

that grow our groceries for us.

Thank you, Latinos, for coming after your protest tonight.

Tony Hinchcliffe recently got in trouble for calling Puerto Rico an island of garbage,

which is a compliment. He's from Ohio, which is landlocked garbage.

I'm glad Trump is in office again. I can't believe the Democrats shut down the whole country for a disease that only kills old people.

What are we gonna ban next, stairs?

I think men are just better than women at certain things, okay?

"Sports, war, Ghostbusters, Ocean's 11."

That guy in New Orleans tried to run over as many people as possible. You couldn't kill as many people as an Asian dude

running into a wall.

Vegas is the only place you can tell people

you're a magician and they don't immediately think you're a pedophile?

Yeah, I have a very liberal sister. She's so liberal, she goes to adoption centers

and tells the kids that they should have been aborted.

I can't wait to find out how to strap a fleshlight to a Roomba,

'cause then it's over for you, hoes.

Nowadays, it's considered rude if you don't rape a fat chick.