David Lucas on Kill Tony

She was like, "Let me put him back to sleep. He was having a bad dream."

I said, "Bitch, I'm having a bad dream."

I just seen a retarded niggas dick.

How you think I feel?

She was like, "We can finish fucking." I'm like, "I'm good. I don't want no more of that retarded,

producing pussy you got."

My dick is inside of itself.

I've been falling asleep to black noise lately.

It's just videos of cops putting handcuffs on niggas.

And the occasional smoke detector beep.

300 years later, we still can't make money

off a white man's back.

There's no goddamn fantasy pickleball league.

I went to one of my friend's house the other day and his smoke detector was beeping. I'm like, "Nigga, you don't hear that shit?"

He's like, "Yeah, that mean is working."

I'm like, "What the?"

I'm like, "No, the fuck is not."

I didn't make it, I just repeated it. I don't think that's true. I think if you wanna hide something from a nigga,

you should put it in a smoke detector.

Because we never checked that shit.

The fucking cure for diabetes

You gonna call Apple and talk to a nigga that sound like me, you know what I'm sayin'? Can you help me with my phone?

you turn that motherfucker off yet, bitch?

Turn it off and turn it back.

If I would've been driving that plane, I probably would've crashed it too thick of... When it crashed, it probably smelled like

somebody was barbecuing a goat too.

They were like, "Who is barbecuing a no-tillers?"

I think squirting came out with Ugg boots, you know what I'm sayin'? You hoes started wearing Uggs

and started pissin' everywhere, it's weird.

It's always weird when you fuck a girl if she squirts. She's like, "Oh my God, I just squirted." It's like, "Bitch, you didn't squirt.

You just fucked my mattress up, bitches."

This is a purple mattress.

Oh, I gotta throw this shit out now.

They tried to make it real popular a few years ago with Lizzo. And even she was tired of being a fat bitch.

She lost weight.

Y'all saw that shit where that fat ass girl tried to sue Uber because she couldn't fit in the car? It's like, "Bitch, you know you ordered the wrong size Uber.

You should have ordered a tow truck, you know?"

I don't know what it is about snatching a black girl's wig off,

but that shit changed her DNA, you know what I'm saying?

Because when you snatch the wig off,

the eyebrows come with it.

My relationship with my girlfriend ain't been the same since I snatched that bitch's wig off. I snatched her wig off and I called the cops on that hoe.

I'm like, "Hey, it's a hood nigga in my bathroom."

Somebody's uncle just went in my closet.

I hate I never was able to go to a Diddy party.

Because I know them hors d'oeuvres were off the chain.

Like, Diddy would've got me with the food.

I would've been in that bitch eating exotic cheese.

Like, cherry flavor?

Or as black people call it, red?

Because what would you rather battle? or this gay shit going on right now? Like what's scarier, a redneck in a pillowcase

or a six-four-fag with a hard dick, you know what I'm saying?

what are you gonna do about it? You gonna outrun this nigga? You gonna outjump this nigga?

No, you gonna be a tired fuck motherfucker.

think y'all be doing some shit when y'all be shaving or waxing y'all pussy. Let me tell you, waxed pussy ain't got shit

on chemotherapy pussy, nigga, that is.

That is the smoothest pussy in the world, nigga, that's.

That shit was like a manatee's back, you know what I'm sayin'?

That shit was rain resistant, water was dripping off of that motherfucker.